Flasher Fiction: Today

Sometimes I write things on a whim, edit them a little, bounce them off of a couple of people, edit them a little more, and then just release those writings into the wilds. I want to do more with essays and flash fiction, so here we go. Feedback is always welcome, and while I hope you like it, if you don’t like it, well, free free to speak up. I don’t judge. Anyhow, big thanks to Nicole and Seith for their feedback on this one.

by Steven G. Saunders

Today I came to a realization.

I mean, that’s the way it always goes, right? You wake up, urinate, think about food, maybe, or maybe you take a shower. I usually take a shower. It helps wake me up. Sometimes I even start my coffee maker before I get into the shower.

When I’m in the shower, letting the warm awakening wash over me, I think. My thoughts flood my brain like some sort of relaxing storm. Sometimes these storms focus on one thing that’s been bugging me.

That particular sometime is today.

Because today I came to a realization.

Later, and it’s always later, I drink my coffee whilst checking emails and glibly wondering if I’m anything like my parents who used to always start their days reading a newspaper. Then, and it’s always then, it hits me and I must go back to the bathroom and endure a violent bowel movement. You’d think that I would do this before I shower, as, well, you know how it goes. Or might go. There’s no need for you to imagine me shitting.

But during these shittings I think. Again. Always with the thinking, I am. Heck, I’m thinking right now. While I think, sometimes I circle back to what’s bugging me. It’s some sort of loop that carries on from the shower. And sometimes within these sometimes, I can work it all together like a seamless Mobius strip with my thoughts running along it as if it were all perfect bio-circuitry

As I have said, today I have come to a realization.

By this point, I am making some breakfast. It’s usually toast with butter, but sometimes I decide I should cook up some bacon or eggs. It all depends on time. I prefer to have a job to physically go to, as it forces me into a schedule. A routine. I need routine, you see. Without it I am lost and my thoughts, while still perfect, begin to wander into territories that would make my normally bland life more complicated. Well, sometimes, anyway. I couldn’t be complicated all of the time. That would be a chore. A complex, yet mundane, chore. It would be like building this amazing robot thing and leaving it in some dull gray primer color.

Yes. I enjoy robot things. Who doesn’t?

While I go through my routines, I will let my mind wander. Which is what I was trying to stop in the first place, but I’ve had no need to go into a work place as of late, so my wandering mind just wanders as it pleases.

It tells me I have come to a realization.

Maybe I need another shower. I think more clearly in the shower. There I can — Wait — No, I should see if I need to shit first. Perhaps I need more food. Ugh. Dammit.

I will drink some water and see if anything changes.

A doctor once told me that there are these pills which would help keep my mind from wandering. Something to do with ADHD or something. Sadly, I could never tell any doctor everything, but I assume this one was close to some kind of mark by telling me about some pills. Or something.

Did you hear that? Huh.

What was I talking about? Oh, yes, so my mind wanders… I distract easily. You understand, right? Everyone gets distracted. But does everyone really get all concerned over whether they should shit or shower first? Have you ever shit in the shower? I have. I was really sick. And I suppose it was embarrassing. No one saw anything, though, and I never told anyone about it. Until now. And I don’t even know if I should be ashamed. People’s bodies do all kinds of things.

I always go back to my coffee. I pretend to do my work assignments at a normal pace, as if I completed them the way I normally do in an official manner, suspicion would be raised. Do you know what I mean? If people think I’m very smart and efficient, they will expect more of me, as if my job and what I do for money is even of any consequence. It all means nothing. I mean nothing.

You mean nothing.

But, hey, the bills being paid leaves me for more time to myself. For my mind to wonder.

For me to come to realizations.

Like the realization I had today.

Everyone says that everyone must have a purpose. What purpose would that be beyond finding food and someone to couple with? Have children and raise them so they too can learn how to find food and couple with someone when they are older. Or perhaps when they are younger, but I find those kinds of thoughts disturbing. And unnecessary. Plus, when I do think about that sort of thing all I can think of are people who, for some reason, have an unstoppable desire to throw their wooden shoes into the giant wooden gears of life and then they always — ALWAYS — seem to regret their choices. Oh, but they don’t actually regret anything. They use regret as a cloak so they can find more little wooden shoes and giant wooden gears to fuck up. It’s insane, really.

I would love to say I love insanity, but, honestly, it’s all very tiresome.

Now, I don’t want you to think I’m driving myself crazy with this realization thing I’m talking about. I keep mentioning it so you feel an air of mystery blowing over, maybe even making your nipples hard.

Really? Did it? I was just talking about child molesters and now you’re saying that you’re thinking of someone blowing on your nipples? That is truly fucked up. Truly.

But what am I realizing here? What am I doing? You keep asking me that. You also keep asking me who I am, which is completely fair.

My realization is exactly who I am. This is why you are here. Do you understand, now?

Now, my mind wanders no more. Now, my mind is focused. I have to have a purpose other than eating, shitting, pissing, fucking, and finding methods to pay for all of that stuff, including the pipes in which all my piss, shit, and used condoms goes down.

But, really…

Really, I needed money for this. You see it? It’s nice, isn’t it? Yeah, it took awhile to find but the devil is always in the details. Always! It’s nuts to think that while you’re trying to get your mind focused your mind begins to wander, turning in on itself, opening a whole new Mobius strip of dimensions and possibilities.

My realization is a universe within universes.

I can see it now. I see you now. I see you asking me over, and over, and over. I see your lips moving, but all I hear are shaped jets of air trying to tell me something I will never, ever consider. It is this realization that has you here now. Watching. Waiting. Needing explanation.

Today I came to a realization.

I feel better now. Better than I have ever felt. It’s warm, this calm. Like the shower. It’s a shower I can always take, whether I am shitting or not. Whether I am reading the newspaper or eating or checking my email. It’s all over me. It’s all over my clothes. On my breath. In my soul.

I want you to think of this as I push this in. I only hurts for one monument of a moment in time. Which means nothing. Just like you mean nothing. Just as I mean nothing.

I looked so hard for it. This painful, but quick, nothing. I wanted it to be just right. For you. To perfectly fit you. Honed for you. My thoughts of you driven into it as I will drive it into you. Honed to perfection. To perfectly fit perfection.

You are perfect just the way you are. Now I have you for me, and only me, and I have made you so you will be perfect…



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