GAFS: Fluffing the Kardashian Cage with Zombie Cups

Annnnnd another GAFS. Yay.

For those just tuning in, GAFS stands for “Give A Fuck Scale”. I take news stories I find or are sent to me and make up some pithy shit to go along with it, then I attach a GAFS score. Simple as you are, probably.

First off, I’d like to thank my girlfriend for coming up with the lion’s share of links here. Really, really nice of her. She even found the “Fluff Girl” pic for me.

I like my girlfriend.

Moving on…

The other day I did a post involving Star Wars, and I said that if a guy my age didn’t like Star Wars, you need to cover him in Nutella and set him on fire.

Right. Sorry about that. I need to redact… the Nutella thing. Upon seeing the following picture, I have realized the error of my ways.

Who wants her to be their fluffer?

Mashmellow Fluff is vastly superior to Nutella as a flammable agent. I also didn’t want to keep you waiting for that awesome image. It will haunt you. It will become a part of you.

Now on to the GAFS show!

‘Proof Nicolas Cage is vampire’

Source: The Sun

Just so you know: The Sun is a valuable source of news. Obviously, since it’s brought to us via time machine from Burma.

Anyways, I was shocked to discover Ghost Rider is a freaking vampire! I mean, like, holy cow. I think I even met him once in San Diego… but was that him? Or was it some sort of revenant servant thing for the REAL Nicolas Cage?

Naturally (or, rather, unnaturally), Cage has declined to comment on this. Don’t fret, friends, Tom Cruise has been more than happy to tell us all about his zany immortal soul instead.

Huzzah!

The world is Nicolas Cage's hampire.

GAFS: Fuck Ghost Rider— oh, I mean, ninty Fucks out of five. This shit is serious biness, y’all.

China clones castrated quake hero pig

Source: Yahoo! News Canada

Let me get this straight: If you are a hero in China, they cut your dick off.

Goddamn. China is scary.

Oh, but they’ll clone you? So, you’ll be dickless, but your clone will have a dick. That is SO unfair.

Hold me.

They're coming for your dick, dude. YOUR DICK.

GAFS: This gets five out of five holy-shit-China-don’t-take-my-dick Fucks.

Fox anchor Mike Jerrick imitates Kardashian sisters live on air

Source: Yahoo! News Daily Buzz

Not all that long ago, I was at a grocery store with my better half and I noticed a magazine cover that had something about the Kardashians on it. I openly asked who the fuck the Kardashians were and people all around me stared as if I were from Mars or something. Later, I decided to research the whole thing (because I hate myself, obviously) and learned that these fucking weird celebrimutants are Robert Kardashian’s progeny, and thus his fault. I instantly recalled Kardashian being one of the douchebags who defended OJ Simpson, and I even remembered he was the particular douchebag who publicly doubted OJ’s innocence because of the blood evidence… which was a couple years later.

It’s too bad that Robert Kardashian died before his children really, um, made a mark for themselves. I guess he knew it was coming, because his ex-wife– his douchebag offspring’s “mother”– is a real piece of shit. My theory is that once Robert Kardashian saw what was coming, maybe with the help of an oracle or something, he decided to kill himself with a very painful form of cancer.

If that’s the case, you are 34% redeemed, sir. Stellar work.

Then again, 34% might be a bit too generous.

With stuff out there like  Jersey Shore and the Kardashians, I know one thing: I’m writing a personal apology letter to Paris Hilton and I’m never mocking her again.

Lindsay Lohan is still fair game, though.

Note: I can’t help but think of Star Trek when I hear someone say “Kardashian“.

GAFS: This gets three out of five Fucks from me.

Laughter can get you almost high, new study says

Source: Yahoo! News Canada

No shit?

LAUGH, MOTHERFUCKERS.

Gay Narwhal and Gay Unicorn want you to laugh. For the children.

Monodon monoceros, indeed. Just call me the Scarface of comedy/porn/coprophagy.

GAFS: Three out of five unipr0n Fucks.

Vancouver makes sure the Grey Cup will be nothing like the Stanley Cup

Source: The Globe and Mail

Of course the Grey Cup will be nothing like the Stanley Cup. See, with the Stanley Cup, only Canada cares. With the Grey Cup, nobody cares.

I should point out that it’s a scientific fact that there are more fans of FATAL than Canadian Football.

I know what you might be thinking, but it’s simply not true. The horrible reality is that not even Alberta gives a shit about the Grey Cup. It’s all propaganda from American expats living in The Maple Leaf Quadrant.

Then again, if a full-blown riot results from six people, color me impressed.

Sorry: COLOUR.

Fine, Canada, we'll take your national sport, too. Not like you would notice, right?

(Picture note: Canadian girlfriend didn’t know lacrosse was Canada’s national sport. And she’s smart. One thing she does know: American Football is cared about less in Canada than lacrosse. What’s that? Canadian Football is different than American Football? No one gives a shit. Seriously.)

GAFS: It is mathematically impossible to go into the negative amounts of Fucks I’m able to give.

DID ZOMBIES ROAM MEDIEVAL IRELAND?

To more directly answer the above headline question: Yes.

More complexly, it wasn’t actually during medieval times, but it had to do with Cromwell and some other historical shit. Just read the acclaimed historical reference book, The Devil’s Plague, to get a precise account of just what douchebaggery Oliver Cromwell was capable of.

I understand, dear readers– I was just as surprised to discover that the Devil’s plague isn’t the Irish as a whole.

What.

What.

Also: Possible proof Ireland may be doomed. Heh heh… gaiety.

GAFS: Can’t kid around anymore. Fucking zombies are fucking serious fucking business. I have to give at least twenty Fucks out of five. Plus, Ireland is really cool. Please don’t be bury me alive with large stones wedged in my mouth.

Online gamers crack AIDS enzyme puzzle

Source: Yahoo! News Canada

I’ll be honest… I never read the article. But from what I can gather, it means that World of Warcaft finally serves a purpose other than breaking up marriages and saving water supplies everywhere. Conversely, I could make a Call of Duty or Halo joke and be all like “You got AIDS, AIDS! Fucking niggorz faggot bitch! BOOM! HEADSHOT! PWN3D!!1” etc.

AIDS must be so ashamed.

Pictured: Level 96 anti-AIDS paladin.

GAFS: Six out of five Fucks. Think about it: More Fucks can be had with less AIDS around. Just sayin’.

Well, another GAFS down. I will leave you with the following thought-in-an-image…

Dental Predator wants you to know everything will be alright.

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