In defense of the stupidity of Star Wars

I won’t lie to you: I love Star Wars.

I mean, what guy in his 30’s or 40’s doesn’t? If you know a man my age who hates Star Wars, you may have definitive proof of pod people.

You also need to cover that guy in Nutella and set him on fire– immediately.

Thing is, Star Wars, at least where the movies are concerned, is pretty fucking stupid. The prequels are even stupider, and I will come to blows with anyone who is stupid enough to disagree. Star Wars is, simply put, retarded. The Star Wars prequels are insulting to anyone who happens to be retarded. You get my point.

But why do I still love Star Wars? How can I love something so stupid? Well, it’s easy: I grew up with it. Not only that, but Star Wars changed society, for fuck’s sake. Think about it. Without Star Wars, would we have had that awesome toy tie-in / comic book / TV show upswing we did starting back in the late 70’s? No Star Wars could have meant no Battlestar Galactica, no Wrath of Khan, no Battle Beyond the Stars, no cool video games, no Ice Pirates and no comic books.

Here, read about how Star Wars basically saved comic books. It’s what prompted me to write this. I’ll wait.

No Star Wars might have meant me reading less and being less interested in science fiction & fantasy. See, when I was really little, around 3 years old, my dad loved to read comics. He would give me Amazing Spider-Man and Captain America to read– and I loved them. But it was those Star Wars comics he gave me that I really latched on to. I also loved the movies and toys. In fact, the comics material was so ingrained in me that it wasn’t until about high school did I realize that the first Star Wars movie didn’t have Biggs talking to Luke early on. No, that was the comics talking. Probably a Star Wars story book, too.

No Star Wars would also probably mean no 2000 AD launching around the same times as the first Star Wars film–which in turn would mean no Judge Dredd, which would then mean I would have to rely on only The Punisher, Deadpool and John Constantine as the greatest comic book characters in history.

It’s true. No one is better than Judge Dredd.

Shut your drokking trap.

Sure, without Star Wars, everything I hold dear would have surfaced somehow… but Star Wars laid out the droid strewn galactic playing field. Before Star Wars, space fantasy and crap like that was reserved for the true goddamned nerds who looked at professional geeks, sighed, and groaned “I sure wish I could bite the heads of chickens like those guys”.

Star Wars also paved the Appian Way of Awesome for things like Transformers and GI Joe. You know, because toy tie-ins are fucking awesome. And Marvel Comics published the tie-in comics, and I read the shit out of those, with the only sad note being that I wished they’d done Conan / Elfquest crossover toys.

Note to everyone: Make some Conan / Elfquest crossover toys. Or just cool Elfquest shit. I’m down with that.

Think about this: At some point, someone watched Star Wars and was like “Holy felgercarb, it is totally possible to do Starship Troopers, or something like that, now that there’s a possible fanbase!”

Blake’s 7, Space: Above and Beyond, tons of other shit… and you can’t help but think it led to Firefly, which led to the new Battlestar Galactica… and… and…

And a bunch of shitty Star Wars prequel cartoons. Fuck.

Now, at the tender age of 36, I’m forced to once again admit Star Wars is pretty goddamned stupid. The original trilogy is rather daft and silly, made worse by the constant stream of new edits and additions… because George Lucas can’t stop fucking with them. The prequel trilogy lacks any kind of the heart the first movies had, is even stupider story-wise, and is basically a bunch of kick-ass action scenes where mainly robots and/or clones die. It also changes the six film mega shitfest into the story of Anakin Skywalker, who, if you don’t remember, is the asshole (but cool asshole) Darth Vader. You know, a guy responsible for the death of millions. A real dick. But I guess when he was a kid, he was cool, so here’s a lunchbox.

Let me Godwin this for a moment. Bear with me.

Adolf Hitler was a motherfucking war hero in World War I. That guy was the awesome-balls. So much so, he lost one of his balls being a badass. If we made a film or films of Hitler as a youngster until the end of WWI, we would see a kid with a weird, hard life and the struggles he was having with finding himself. He would seem sympathetic and even pretty awesome, maybe. The movie Max sorta shows this, but even that film had to make Hitler bad at the end.

Why? Because he’s ADOLF HITLER. That’s why.

Pictured: Space Hitler.

In the Star Wars universe, Darth Vader is Adolf Hitler. By that I mean he’s the nasty, evil bad guy. The only reason why Vader redeems himself is because he all of a sudden loves Luke Skywalker (spoiler!), his son. It’s also a fine example of really shitty writing and storytelling, but I’ll can that hate for now.

Hey. Stop crying because I compared the guy who’s on your t-shirt to Adolf Hitler. I did it. Live with it.

Little Darth Vader in the prequels utterly fails to be a sympathetic character because he will grow up to be DARTH VADER. Hell, in the third prequel film he even kills a bunch of kids. So, he’s like Hitler, except Hitler never killed any kids personally. Hitler would have never done that. Maybe order their deaths, or, more likely, put someone in charge who wants to kill kids or order their deaths… but go into a school and wipe out a bunch of children single-handedly? Wow.

I just might be saying Darth Vader is worse than Hitler. (Except that, you know, Hitler is an actual historical figure. Pah– history.)

Back to thinking Star Wars is stupid: Lucas ruined the first movies for me because he took a guy worse than Hitler and made him the fucking focus, instead of Space Hitler’s bastard son who ends up killing his ass when he grows up.

Right. Got it. Fuck you, George Lucas.

Aside from the frothing fanboy nonsense above, I still believe Star Wars to be one of the most important things ever created for society. It, along with Star Trek, changed not only entertainment as we knew it, but it also encouraged millions of people to do things they would have never dreamed of has Star Wars and Star Trek not existed. I really don’t see Buck Rogers or Dan Dare doing that sort of thing.

Also: I’m still waiting on that replicator. Chop, chop, nerds!

I won’t break down why Star Wars at its core is insipid nonsense. I don’t have enough time to get into it. Don’t worry, though, just go to Ye Olde Google and you’ll find plenty. Star Wars is dumb fun, but it still changed everything.

Keep in mind, that while I talk a nice, crazy game, in the end I really don’t care how dumb Star Wars is. I’ve had a lot of fun with Star Wars throughout my life, and I will continue to do so. The comics, the books, the role-playing games (NERRRD), the toys, the videogames (Battlefront FTW forever), the t-shirts– all of it is very special to me.

A Star Wars comic from Marvel may be one of the first pieces of literature that really made me think. I was eight. I saw Blade Runner that year with my dad, too, but it was way over my head in many ways. I had read all kinds of classics by that point, but they didn’t get under my skin until I was a little older. Star Wars #80, “Ellie, made me read it over and over and really feel something. It was touching and sad. It moved me. I may have even shed a tear or two. It effected me in many way. I can remember that when I was running D&D games for my friends around a year later, I would think of that issue so I could add more depth to the games. “Ellie” helped me discover pathos.

Proof I'm not a sociopath.

Huh. Does anyone else notice that in the above image, it looks like Darth Vader has a spiked helmet? It’s like I have the der sechste sense and see Germans everywhere…

Where the hell was I going with all this? Oh, yeah, Star Wars, no matter how silly it is, is excessively important. With the release of the blu-ray and such, and everyone talking Star Wars again, I like to remind myself that one of my favorite things isn’t just a giant waste of time. Star Wars grew up with me, helped shape me, and maybe me the uber-nerd I am today.

Well, Star Wars, Star Trek, 2000 AD, the Commodore 64, and role-playing games. And a bunch of other things. But Star Wars is in the top three.

Do I actually hate George Lucas? No, of course not. It’s his fiction, one which he shares with us. If I were ever to meet him I would thank him for his contribution to who I am, and to contributing to a shit-load of careers and creations. While it might be fun to say “Fuck you, Lucas!”, the simple truth is that he awesome.

Even if I think the prequels suck massive amounts of sailors’ dicks.

What? They do.


One Response to “In defense of the stupidity of Star Wars”

  1. […] depressalin Saving Throes from a Charming ThirtyNothing « In defense of the stupidity of Star Wars […]

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