GAFS: Wry Bread, RIM jobs and Irony Crosses

Oh, hey there! It’s that special time. You know, the special time where I take some news or newslike links, link them, add a picture with some funny alt-text, maybe (/Dr. Zoidberg voice), and finish-move it with a Give A Fuck Scale (aka: GAFS), which represents how many Fucks I give about that particular story, also here’s another comma; also, a semicolon and comma.

Also, also, semicolon; serial (killer with the parentheses) comma, and colon: Your mom.

Exclusive: Most imported foods contains inaccurate nutritional info, inspections show

Source: The Vancouver Sun

Not only does the Vancouver Sun massively fail at keeping headlines short, they also fail at having them make sense. And fail at making them non-obtuse. “Most imported foods contains”? Really? Someone should be fired based on that alone. It’s either “foods contain” or “food contains”. Okay? Seriously: Get your shit together.

As for the funny, one part which I cannot resist touching is:
Examples include rye bread lacking rye, wing steak labelled as a T-bone, and a “no preservatives” claim on a product containing a preservative.

So, uh, would it be called “WRY BREAD”, then? Oh ho ho ho ho ho HO! I kill me.

Wry Bread dreams of this every night.

Make up your own goddamned jokes about T-bones and preservatives. Jesus.

I can’t do everything for you.

GAFS: I give the story three Fucks out of five. I’ll give editorial four Fuck Yous out of five.

Children’s book too hot for U.S. publishers warmly received in Canada

Source: The Globe and Mail

And, hey, look– another long headline. Let’s blame Canada for that, as it never gets old.

Right. So, yeah, another “Hey! Americans! We’re so much less religiously fucking fucked than you, America. You fuckers!” moment for Canadastan. That’s cool. I mean I present the following evidence in support of undisputed, non-Stephen Harper Canadian Rightness:

My god, it's full of Crazy.

Now that we have that out of the way, let’s get to The Serious. Look, I know you all want to think some awesome dude (and he is indeed awesome) couldn’t get his cool dino-book published in the USofA because of the pants-wetting fear publishers have of THE CREAAAAATIONISTS, but I have to get all skeptical on this, just for a second.

It’s all hilariously ironic, when I think on it.

But did this book get passed over by American publishers because of THE CREAAAAAAZYTIONTS? Or was it just passed over like most children’s books? Because childrens’s’ss book industry would make motherfucking Spartacus choke on his own vomit in pure, unadulterated terror. That guy would probably build a time machine and then travel forward until he had Nazis to punch just so he didn’t have to travel a bit further to deal with kids books and those who publish them.

At this point I’d like to pitch my kiddie book, Why Prostitutes are Almost as Awesome as Cocaine.

(That’s the pitch.)

Maybe Loxton’s book really was turned down due to laughable fears of silly publishers. I really want to think that is the Randi’s honest truth. It’s easy to think reality is more crazy than werewolf-stuffed peanut butter sandwiches. And you know what? As much as I like the idea of sammiches made from werewolves, the article probably hits the truth.

BUT.

The column/article-thing, I think, utterly fails to convey any kind of proof or anything. Of course, I could have just lazily skimmed the whole thing just to get to the sweet, juicy comedy I crave (you know, for attention). I am lazily lazy like that an’ such. And considering the lead subject in that column is an awesome, well-respected Skeptic with a capital “S”… well, that’s pretty fucking funny, man.

Not that I’m lazy, but the fact I’m being skeptic– well, shit. I’m sure you get it. Right? Right?

I guess the silly example I could give is thusly thus: I woke up at 10am today… Was this because I was tired? Or was it Space Stalin and his charming unicorns. I vote commie unicorns, based on the evidence at hand. The book was turned away by some publishers. It must’ve been creationists because the book contained something about evolution. That’s what the article tells me, anyway. Oh, and a nice write-up on the author.

GAFS: This gets five out of five Fucks. I really enjoyed thinking about all of this shit.

Also: Eat giant dinosaurs made entirely from dicks, you crazy creationist bastards. I hope your trailers burn down. Velvet Jesus paintings are pretty flammable, I hear– finally: a good use for them.

RIM shares drop as sales and profit plunge

Source: CNN

RIM job jokes in 3…2…1…

Okay, so it’s no surprise Blackberrys are sucking the dong of failure these days. Just look at RIM’s brilliant decision making the last few years: Their only touchscreen phone worth a shit is bigger than most time machine/phasers/toasters; the Playbook is like an iPad, but smaller and more retarded; BBM is the most overrated shit ever. Really, it should have been apparent that Blackberry was sucking when RIM was obviously leaking to the press that the rioters in England were using BBM to communicate.

I can see the holy-shit-meeting-time now: “We need exposure. Attention. Anything! Wait… what if we say that the rioters are using BBM? Wot? No one will believe that? I disagree. People will believe anything– even that silly crap.”

And so a headline and an article were born so I could use it as material here– for you.

Let’s face it: Unless Blackberrys become really fucking awesome, like, NOW (but not like NOW, if you know what I mean), then no one will simply give a fuck. I’m a Blackberry user, myself. I even have a Playbook (I like to blame work for that one). Have I found the Blackberry to be more useful than other smartphones? Not really. The only reason why I haven’t killed myself is because I don’t need a touchscreen and I’ve learned to like the keyboard setup.

Speaking of Blackberrys… What the hell is up with people buying Pearls? Why would you want one? It’s slim, yeah, but you have a limited keyboard and… fuck it. Anyways.

This all makes me wonder what in store next for RIM and their jobs. Maybe they could actually play on the joke that they’re already retro?

Pictured: The new Blackberry and its human slave.

Yeah. I did not choose wisely. I should’ve gotten myself a Samsung phone and glued a keyboard on to it.

GAFS: Three Fucks out of five. I dunno if I give any Fucks about RIM’s fate.

Shit! I just realized I could have made a RIM / Steve Jobs joke… Noooooo!

Caller to 911: ‘I just want some tacos’

Source: CNN

Aside from the fact that the reporters who put this video together probably all set themselves on fire because they finally realized their careers have amounted to nothing, I feel that not getting tacos is a fucking hardcore serious issue.

Why can’t a drunk guy wander up to a drive-thru and get some motherfucking, life-essential tacos? WHY? Must he be discriminated against because he was conscientious enough to not drive drunk? Sure, calling 911 is a crime against humanity and insulting to people who don’t rape babies everywhere; but come on: Dude needed some goddamned tacos.

Just look.

Pictured: Motherfucking tacos in a motherfucking taco holder.

Can you now see that man’s pain? Can you?

I can.

GAFS: Sixteen million Fucks out of five.

Nasa satellite UARS nearing Earth ‘could land anywhere’

Source: BBC

We are all going to die.

Additionally: It’s “NASA” not “Nasa”, you goddamned people who live on the largest aircraft carrier in history.

Welcome to England, mates!

GAFS: It’s really hard to give a Fuck about this… until someone dies.

Annnnd that’s it for now. Perhaps I’ll throw another one up soon. Maybe so soon that ninjas will come out of my nose and ass.

We’ll see.

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7 Responses to “GAFS: Wry Bread, RIM jobs and Irony Crosses”

  1. That rocks. You should definitely publish Kids books, Steve. Wake up this generation of retarded assholes and put cocaine and hookers back in their place on the top of the enjoyment scale. No more of the ecstacy hooping bull shit and electro dance.

    • My kids book would have a valuable moral lesson that involves a serious bender culminating in hitting a pinata full of electro dancing youngsters. Then the kids would learn the valuable import of naps. And hangovers.

      The hookers help with the hangovers.

  2. Daniel Brown Says:

    Technically its the largest *unsinkable* aircraft carrier in history

  3. Excellent point, Mr. Brown! Also, England has the best water wings: Wales and Scotland… as well as a nice-but-wobbly buoy called Ireland.

  4. My Samsung Android has a keyboard.

  5. android…

    […]GAFS: Wry Bread, RIM jobs and Irony Crosses « depressalin[…]…

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