Guilty Pleasure Movie Time for Tasteless Bastards

I like to watch movies. And like anyone who watches movies who enjoys writing, I like thinking I can do better. Obviously, this has paid out for me, because I’m typing this post from my awesome zeppelin mansion in the sky.

Right. Maybe not. I should continue before I kill myself by drinking paint stripper.

So, movies. I think I’ll list some movies I enjoy watching over and over, regardless of what Roger Ebert, unicorns or your mom think.

Here we go…

Crank

I actually re-watched this for the eleventy-millionth time with my girlfriend last night. It never gets old. Jason Statham (is there any point in having a character name attached?) is poisoned DOA style and is gonna find who killed him and fuck their shit up. This movie is fast, violent, and goddamned hilarious. Truth be told, I’m an easy sell, because I also enjoyed the shit out of Crank: High Voltage. If you love guns, destruction, and mayhem on a level that can only be described as “fucking retarded”, these movies are for you.

"This may hurt a little."

The Fifth Element

My girlfriend pointed out to me that this should be on the list, and I wholeheartedly agree. The Fifth Element is almost the perfect Boy-Gets-Girl film… covered in Blade-Runner-meets-Heavy-Metal-and-other-cool-shit spray paint. It’s quick and wonderfully written. Almost cute, even. I never get sick of it. I could watch it right now, regardless of what your mom thinks.

Oh, and I was just reminded of how The Fifth Element may be one of the only movies out there that would make you desperately wish for an appliance. No, I don’t mean one that would murder Chris Tucker in the most painful manner possible. I’m talking about roast chicken in less than a second. No, that’s not racist, either (unless you hate microwaves– racists). Insert– ding!– food done. Faster than a those sheep-hookers from the Falklands I hear so much about.

Just remember: You can find anything on Google.

Reign of Fire

You may think “Holy balls, Steve, that movie is fucking stupid”, and I would be inclined to agree with you. Except Reign of Fire is stupidly awesome. It was so awesome, in fact, that a buddy pointed out to me that my Warhammer Fantasy Role-Play character was like the Matthew McConaughey (I always forget the “ghey” when I type his name) character and I proceeded to go nuts with the idea. This led to me using that nerdy escapist surrogate a lot (with beer), even basing a comic character off of him (my WFRP guy– not the Reign of Fire guy– okay, lawyers?). Straight up, this movie could have ended better, but it still rocked. It puts the pleasure in guilty pleasure.

I'll rate this an 8 on the Jason Statham Scale.

The Chronicles of Riddick

It’s Buck Rogers meets Conan in space, for fuck’s sake. How could it go wrong? I know quite a few people hated this film, and to them I can offer only this well thought out, articulate response: Die in a fire. Yeah, I know, it wasn’t the best idea for a sequel to Pitch Black. But you know what? I bet Vin Diesel and David Twohy didn’t give a fuck. So there.

He made her play D&D on set. Save vs rejoicing, nerds.

Feast

Some time ago, I used this for a first date movie with a girl who turned out to be certifiably fucking bonkers. Maybe her enjoying Feast on a first date was a sign. This movie is ultra-violent, messed-up and without-a-doubt gross. Monsters fucking your face and laying eggs in said face? Check. Decapitation, dismemberment, and more dismemberment? Check. Kid getting eaten alive? Check. Hilarious jokes and shit? Double check. I love Feast. It’s basically what goes on in my head on any given day.

"Mom?"

Conan the Barbarian

It Conan. It’s the movie that made a certain Austrian’s career (Hitler was never the same again). It’s fucking CONAN. It was so freaking amazing that the new Conan film couldn’t live up to it. Replace Arnold with Jason Momoa and it would be perfect. I know Robert E. Howard fans shit themselves over how non-Conan this classic was, but come on, live a little. Also, no one knows who REH is except for sad nerds like us.

Jason Momoa... or this guy.

Flash Gordon

Really, I could just watch a mishmash of clips of Brian Blessed from Flash Gordon put to the Queen soundtrack and be perfectly satisfied. This over-the-top campy freakazoid thing will never die to me. It also makes me think of the Flash Gordon TV show from a few years back, and how the new Conan movie could have been much, much worse.

This movie is probably also the first occurrence of a Flash mob.

Pictured: Your only reason for living.

I’m positive I can list more films, but the above are ones I never get sick of, ever. I’ve tried getting sick of them. I really have. Maybe in the future I can list more movies I can watch the shit out of.

Do I have crappy taste in movies? Probably. Look, Children of Men is amazing, but I can’t watch it more than five times. Sorry. And the more I watch the Alien/s and Blade Runner films, the more I pick them apart. Maybe it’s a good thing the movies I list kinda suck… I accept the suck and just let go.

Let go of the suck.

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2 Responses to “Guilty Pleasure Movie Time for Tasteless Bastards”

  1. I want to see feast now. Flash is awesome, as is Crank and Fifth Element (which was the dvd we bought with our first dvd player, instead of the Matrix, and I still think we made the right choice)

    • While The Matrix is good and everything, in my professional and incredibly drunk opinion you made the right choice.

      I’m pretty sure you’ll dig Feast. The sequels are more than terrible, however, lacking any of the magic of the first one. Although, now that I think about it, Feast 2 was pretty entertaining… but it isn’t a good or solid movie. Just gross and funny. Feast 3 is like Star Trek: Insurrection– it’s so anti-memorable that I can’t even tell you about it. I know it was bad. Very bad. I have a memory like a unicorn-killing cyborg-deathmachine bear trap, and I’m still drawing a blank (just like that Star Trek film I mentioned… I think it took place on a planet and there was a spaceship… but don’t quote me).

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