GAFS: And I couldn’t even feel it…

Hello there, and welcome to another session of me trying to Give A Fuck about things in the news. I figure pooping out another one of these might help alleviate the crushing doom that is my impending birthday and the double-stuffed crushing doom that is my life in general.

Here’s the drill: I link to a news story, add some pithy crap, and then attach a number of fucks I give on the Give A Fuck Scale (or GAFS, for you fellow acronym crazy OCD types out there).

Here we go…

***

Earthquake hits off Vancouver Island

Source: Victoria Times Colonist

I’ll lead with this one since it’s, like, today-recent. I live in Victoria, BC, so there’s another reason why.

To be completely honest, I didn’t even know there was a quake “locally” (it’s a big freaking island) until a couple friends posted to my wall on Facebook about it. Did I work through it? Sleep through it? Masturbate through it? Was I working on new masturbation techniques and doze off, missing the Island Quake Event of the Year? The answer, to some extent, is yes. I missed the epic 6.4 earthquake, sure to be the talk of Tim Hortons and Starbucks citywide. I guess I should feel bad. I’m supposed to assimilate and feel like I’m a part of the local Canadian team; but instead I bitch about too many coins and cheese prices. Goddamned Americans, I tell you.

One thing I was reminded of is just how for-shit the Times Colonist is. Whether in print or on the intardnets, it always seems to “meh” the shit out of me. I lived in Spokane, WA, for a long time, and I can say its local paper, The Spokesman Review, is vastly superior. And just look at the top of the Times Colonist page.

Just look. Right there, below.

Totally stolen from the Times Colonist.

It could be me, what with masturbation and napping on the mind, but that image of that capitol building (or whatever) looks like a penis. It also looks like a happy penis, if you know what I mean. Just looking at it make me want to nap.

So, so tired.

GAFS: About two out of five Fucks.

***
How do I tell my kids about 9-11?

Source: CNN

I’m not going to rag on Mike Milhaven and the nice opinion piece he wrote up. You did just fine, Mike. It simply makes me think what I’ll tell my kids. I can see it now…

Older Kid: Daddy, what’s this whole 9/11 thing about?
Younger Kid: Yeah, daddy.
Me: Well, after years of warnings and fucking with other people, a terrorist group decided they had to outdo all the spectacular terrorist action from the 80s, like that shit in Beirut, so they hijacked some planes and flew them into the World Trade Center, Pentagon and, I think, a cornfield.
Younger Kid: A cornfield? Were they farmer terrorists?
Me: No. Farmer terrorists hate vegans and work with the aliens on GMOs. I think the Cornfield Plane was headed for the White House.
Older Kid: And why couldn’t they hit this white house?
Me: White House. With capital letters, buddy. I dunno. The story is that the hijacked passengers rushed the cockpit; but since the White House is so important, I wouldn’t be surprised if the plane was shot down to protect… an important building.
Both Kids: WOW!
Me: But don’t quote me on that. No, seriously, I don’t want to be deported and raped.
Younger Kid: It all sounds very sad.
Me: It is, little guy. Being renditioned and taken to a remote location to be tortured for information is no laugh– oh, yeah, you mean… right. Yeah, it is really sad. A lot of people died.
Older Kid: Yeah, daddy, it is totally sad.
Me: You guys hear something?
Both Kids: No.
Me: We should stop talking about this. My ass is starting to tingle, and there isn’t a cloud in the sky.
Both Kids: Okay.
Me: But, um, yeah… a really sad event. You can read all about it. My dad made me read about everything I asked about and then I drew my own conclusions.
Younger Kid: Like what?
Me: Cyclops is a twat. There are many different kids of cheese. Oh, and the War of 1812 lasted until 1814.
Older Kid: You mean 1815.
Me: See? Reading is fucking awesome. Now go make me a sandwich.

Or something like that, I’m sure.

GAFS: Let’s say three out of five Fucks.

***

Canada not at greater risk over U.S. terror threat

No shit. Really?

Keep trying, Canada. I’m sure that one day you’ll be hated as much as America.

Until then we can worry about the creepy, touches-too-much Uncle type of government here.

GAFS: One Fuck out of Five.

***

Wilson Phillips Scores Reality Series

Source: CNN

Oh, terribly sorry, Canada. Looks like you have to get behind the States and Wilson Phillips for the top hated slot.

Feast your eyes upon what has to be the most accurate cascading scale of “How much you have to drink seriously impairs your judgement at a bar”.

Nicked from CNN

GAFS: I’ll give this four out of five Fucks, simply because this shit terrifies me. Hold me, please.

***

England scrape victory over India at The Oval

Source: BBC

Upon seeing this headline, I was hoping it had something to do with motorcycles, tanks, some flamethrowers and maybe a little fish & chips thrown in. Instead, it’s about cricket.

No one cares about cricket.

If the game were called “praying mantis“, my opinion would be radically different.

This is from some site that says "God" a lot.

GAFS: No Fucks were given. None. Throw in Thri-Kreen and I’ll give way more Fucks. Vorpal Fucks, even.

***

That was all pretty random, but it was quick and fun to do. Fun for me. For all I know, reading this may cause you to repeatedly stab your sinus cavity with a Wilson Phillips head screwdriver.

Until next time: Stay drunk.

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