GAFS: First Entry

I really couldn’t come up with a better idea for a post title than that. Sigh. Oh, well.

Anyway, here’s my latest brainchild. It’ll probably end up discarded soon enough, like a boring ball of string full of body parts that’s ignored by an adorable serial-killing kitten.

The process here is simple: I take news articles I read (and sometimes pick randomly) and make commentary about them. Then I attach a Give A Fuck Scale to it (this would be GAFS or GAF Scale for those of you drunk as I am right now). Ta-da!

Genius.

My inspiration was also simple. While reading sites like Cracked*, I would see “he had no more fucks to give” and other variations of that sort of thing. And so… blah blah blah… *insert funny story involving my childhood and a horny poodle* blah blah blah… there you have it.

(*Who am I kidding? I only ever read Cracked.)

On with the show.

***

A Bunch of Shit Involving 9/11

Source: Fucking Everywhere

It was the worst attack on the US in US history. It was like Antietam and Pearl Harbor had horrible Alien alien babies, who had babies of their own, and all those babies looked like Snooki, but with peanut butter and jelly excreting tentacles. All of those tentacles have eyes that emit pure pain and insects laying eggs in your ear canal.

If you just laughed, you just laughed at an American tragedy. If you didn’t laugh, please continue on the Path of Freedom.

9/11/2001 was ten years ago. And ten years ago I had one of the worst hangover experiences of my life. See, my birthday is the 10th of September. So, yeah: Nasty. Somehow, some way I have managed to avoid every 9/11 special and documentary that’s popped up over the last decade. This year I’ve watched a couple. I guess this means I give more of fuck now.

Well, it’s not like I didn’t give a fuck before. Of course I gave a fuck. I just give more of a fuck now.

GAF Scale: Three out of five Fucks. (Hold on… will I go to an ass-rapey prison if my Fucks aren’t American enough?)

***

Criminal Court seeks Interpol Red Notice for Gadhafi

Source: CNN

This is still going on? When that dude is captured, just let us know, okay? Until then, let’s focus on more important things like Jersey Shore and finding out what happened to the Olsen Twins.

And I don’t care how crazy it gets in Lybia, even if Gadhafi uses a jet-pack powered on unicorn blood, it’ll never compare to THIS.

Fun fact: We and other families got death threats from Gafhafi back in the 80s. Why? Wouldn’t you like to know. But it could have been hookers. Lots and lots of hookers.

GAF Scale: One out of five Fucks.

***

For retired NFL players, most challenging ‘season’ just beginning

Source: CNN

Sorry, LaMar. While your article is well written and pretty enjoyable to read, I still cannot sympathise with professional athletes retiring after a career of entertaining people, playing a game and basically making tons of money.

On life after the game: “This is a life-altering transition, and it presents a conundrum.” It sure does present a conundrum! “HOW AM I GOING TO SPEND ALL THIS MONEY?” comes to mind.

Oh, I’m sure retired NFL players have their problems. Just like girls who grow up being princesses and having no financial worries end up needing head-meds for anxiety and depression, and cry themselves to sleep because they are so, so, so very unhappy—while I understand it’s a problem, I find it really fucking hard to sympathize.

But I’m not being sarcastic: It really is a nicely written article.

GAF Scale: One out of five Fucks. (Three if you include me giving a Fuck about the article being well executed.)

***

Canada-U.S. price differences to be studied

Source: CBC

Ever since moving to Canada, I’ve wondered why certain things here are so much more balls-out expensive than their US counterparts. Sure, I live in Victoria, on Vancouver Island, which not only boasts being the second most expensive place in Canada to buy a home, it’s also really a goddamned pricy place to live because most people are forced to take lower wages and work shit jobs for shit pay (minimum wage just increased to $8.75/hr… from $8). Anyhow, in my experience, everything seems way more expensive here. Not just in Victoria, but in Canada in general. I mean, really, cheese shouldn’t be so fucking expensive—with a 12% sales tax (don’t forget to include how the government plans to rape you for about 20% of your income— the plus side is if you’re poor you see a lot come back around tax time). Not to mention other taxes. Canada is brutal that way.

So, yeah, things are more expensive here. Living inVictoria seems like it shouldn’t cost as much to live as Capitol Hill in Seattle, especially since awesome bands coming here is a rare, rare, rare occasion. But I digress. I’m curious about why things cost more. Indulge me, Canada… just as soon as the government decides to come back for two to three weeks to do anything about anything. Yup, I traded horribly corrupt and motivated-only-by-money politicians for mildly corrupt and unrepentantly lazy ones.

Yay.

GAF Scale: Four out of five Fucks.

***

Fossils revise human evolution theories

Source: CBC

An interesting article. Read it and be enlightened. Now read the comments and want to immolate yourself. You’re welcome.

And to all you people bitching about the evil atheists and their Science? Go fuck yourself. Oh, I know we could be nicer, but you’re going to have to be nice first, okay? Thanks. Or we could settle this through Thunderdome. I can demonstrate evolution with a chainsaw. I’m crying from such beautiful thoughts already.

Alright, I’ll admit that way too many atheists out there are assholes. We can call them asstheists, if you like. See? I call this kinda move “diplomacy”. It means even more with the quotation marks.

GAF Scale: Three out of five Fucks.

***

Neil Diamond to marry his manager

Source: CNN

What? I love Neil Diamond. This is important shit right here.
Best comment spotted within 1.7 seconds? “Oh thank God, the manager is a woman.”
Because, you know, if the manager wasn’t a woman, then madness would surely ensue. I can see it clear as blueberry pie right now:

News: Mr Diamond, you have a big announcement?
Neil Diamond: Yes. I’m getting married.
News: To a woman?
Neil Diamond: Fuck no, you goddamned jerk-holes. I’m marrying the Loch Ness Monster.
News: Mr. Diamond, could the Loch Ness Monster be considered a woman?
Neil Diamond: No.

Without comments attached to news articles, I’m convinced my need to kill myself would fall to alarmingly low levels.

GAF Scale: Three out of five Fucks.

***

Gérard Depardieu parodies airline incident

Source: CBC

I’ve added this because I found it to be funny. I grew up reading Asterix, with his pal, Obelix (,in German). I love the movies (even if they’re in French). Hearing about Depardieu pissing on the floor of a plane just made my favorite Cyrano (sorry, Steve Martin) a motherfucking badass. The comments so far on this article are great, too. Someone says “he might be playing an American”. Oh, the Canadian Burnomatic! DAYUM! You know, before, years ago, I got tired of making fun of Belgians, then Albanians, and then everyone else in the world (sorry, Canada was usually forgotten)… but I move here and all of a sudden, any time a boorish prick is brought up (what?) the Canadian fingers point down south. Come on, eh, y’all should be mocking Albanians who live in Manitoba. Just sayin’. Another commenter says something about his behaviour being disgusting. Are you kidding? It’s fucking rock star mega-awesome. Gérard, I would like to present you an honorary citizenship to the United States of Jesus Loves You America.

I dunno if anyone outside of Western Europe will get the Obelix parody, though. It could have been worse. It could have been a bit involving Phantomias.

GAF SCALE: Six out of five Fucks.

***

I know what you’re thinking: “What, Steve? No Obama?” I know, I know, and I could’ve wrote something about an article involving him and tried to fight the urge to hyperlink Nutella. Which would be racist, probably. Or something like that.

Anyhow, maybe I can get off my ass and do more of these. Maybe. I’m pretty goddamned lazy.

Speaking of being lazy, I was bouncing the above off my friend, Roy, and he mentioned that this sort of thing could take up a lot of my time. Sifting through news articles is a long, drawn-out, alcoholism inducing process. So, please keep in mind, I’m not taking that much time to wade through the news. I skim over the headlines, pick a few out and write about them as quickly as possible. But hey, if you see a recent news item you’d like to see my take on, feel free to give me a heads-up about it.

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2 Responses to “GAFS: First Entry”

  1. on 9/11 : I stopped caring about it about the time the US decided to invade Iraq because of Freedom or something. I know that authoritarian muppet politicians in the states and our very own Sylvia Plath fan Stephen Harper, who also loves a good fascist boot to lick get a funny feeling in their hello kitty onesies when they think about how many people they can jail on completely spurious grounds due what remains a suspiciously fortuitous crisis, but aside from keeping in mind and out loud that whatever they suggest in response to Islamicist threats is wrong and false, I just refuse to care about 9/11.

    • Yeah, in the first few days following 9/11, people I knew were hoping for the best (that the attacks would bring everyone together) but many of us knew that the worst was going to happen (bringing everyone together with the barrel of a gun and many tons of bombs… with Freedom).

      I can’t help but still give a fuck about 9/11. It’s my generation’s JFK Assassination. I remember my folks and their friends saying that nothing in my life would top Bay of Pigs, the Moon Landing or JFK being killed. And then 9/11 happened (and it happened so hard that the date of 9/11 is owned by the United States of America). I would say the day certainly was unforgettable, despite the supernova of a hangover I had.

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