Archive for September, 2011

GAFS: Fluffing the Kardashian Cage with Zombie Cups

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on September 20, 2011 by synabetic

Annnnnd another GAFS. Yay.

For those just tuning in, GAFS stands for “Give A Fuck Scale”. I take news stories I find or are sent to me and make up some pithy shit to go along with it, then I attach a GAFS score. Simple as you are, probably.

First off, I’d like to thank my girlfriend for coming up with the lion’s share of links here. Really, really nice of her. She even found the “Fluff Girl” pic for me.

I like my girlfriend.

Moving on…

The other day I did a post involving Star Wars, and I said that if a guy my age didn’t like Star Wars, you need to cover him in Nutella and set him on fire.

Right. Sorry about that. I need to redact… the Nutella thing. Upon seeing the following picture, I have realized the error of my ways.

Who wants her to be their fluffer?

Mashmellow Fluff is vastly superior to Nutella as a flammable agent. I also didn’t want to keep you waiting for that awesome image. It will haunt you. It will become a part of you.

Now on to the GAFS show!

‘Proof Nicolas Cage is vampire’

Source: The Sun

Just so you know: The Sun is a valuable source of news. Obviously, since it’s brought to us via time machine from Burma.

Anyways, I was shocked to discover Ghost Rider is a freaking vampire! I mean, like, holy cow. I think I even met him once in San Diego… but was that him? Or was it some sort of revenant servant thing for the REAL Nicolas Cage?

Naturally (or, rather, unnaturally), Cage has declined to comment on this. Don’t fret, friends, Tom Cruise has been more than happy to tell us all about his zany immortal soul instead.

Huzzah!

The world is Nicolas Cage's hampire.

GAFS: Fuck Ghost Rider— oh, I mean, ninty Fucks out of five. This shit is serious biness, y’all.

China clones castrated quake hero pig

Source: Yahoo! News Canada

Let me get this straight: If you are a hero in China, they cut your dick off.

Goddamn. China is scary.

Oh, but they’ll clone you? So, you’ll be dickless, but your clone will have a dick. That is SO unfair.

Hold me.

They're coming for your dick, dude. YOUR DICK.

GAFS: This gets five out of five holy-shit-China-don’t-take-my-dick Fucks.

Fox anchor Mike Jerrick imitates Kardashian sisters live on air

Source: Yahoo! News Daily Buzz

Not all that long ago, I was at a grocery store with my better half and I noticed a magazine cover that had something about the Kardashians on it. I openly asked who the fuck the Kardashians were and people all around me stared as if I were from Mars or something. Later, I decided to research the whole thing (because I hate myself, obviously) and learned that these fucking weird celebrimutants are Robert Kardashian’s progeny, and thus his fault. I instantly recalled Kardashian being one of the douchebags who defended OJ Simpson, and I even remembered he was the particular douchebag who publicly doubted OJ’s innocence because of the blood evidence… which was a couple years later.

It’s too bad that Robert Kardashian died before his children really, um, made a mark for themselves. I guess he knew it was coming, because his ex-wife– his douchebag offspring’s “mother”– is a real piece of shit. My theory is that once Robert Kardashian saw what was coming, maybe with the help of an oracle or something, he decided to kill himself with a very painful form of cancer.

If that’s the case, you are 34% redeemed, sir. Stellar work.

Then again, 34% might be a bit too generous.

With stuff out there like  Jersey Shore and the Kardashians, I know one thing: I’m writing a personal apology letter to Paris Hilton and I’m never mocking her again.

Lindsay Lohan is still fair game, though.

Note: I can’t help but think of Star Trek when I hear someone say “Kardashian“.

GAFS: This gets three out of five Fucks from me.

Laughter can get you almost high, new study says

Source: Yahoo! News Canada

No shit?

LAUGH, MOTHERFUCKERS.

Gay Narwhal and Gay Unicorn want you to laugh. For the children.

Monodon monoceros, indeed. Just call me the Scarface of comedy/porn/coprophagy.

GAFS: Three out of five unipr0n Fucks.

Vancouver makes sure the Grey Cup will be nothing like the Stanley Cup

Source: The Globe and Mail

Of course the Grey Cup will be nothing like the Stanley Cup. See, with the Stanley Cup, only Canada cares. With the Grey Cup, nobody cares.

I should point out that it’s a scientific fact that there are more fans of FATAL than Canadian Football.

I know what you might be thinking, but it’s simply not true. The horrible reality is that not even Alberta gives a shit about the Grey Cup. It’s all propaganda from American expats living in The Maple Leaf Quadrant.

Then again, if a full-blown riot results from six people, color me impressed.

Sorry: COLOUR.

Fine, Canada, we'll take your national sport, too. Not like you would notice, right?

(Picture note: Canadian girlfriend didn’t know lacrosse was Canada’s national sport. And she’s smart. One thing she does know: American Football is cared about less in Canada than lacrosse. What’s that? Canadian Football is different than American Football? No one gives a shit. Seriously.)

GAFS: It is mathematically impossible to go into the negative amounts of Fucks I’m able to give.

DID ZOMBIES ROAM MEDIEVAL IRELAND?

To more directly answer the above headline question: Yes.

More complexly, it wasn’t actually during medieval times, but it had to do with Cromwell and some other historical shit. Just read the acclaimed historical reference book, The Devil’s Plague, to get a precise account of just what douchebaggery Oliver Cromwell was capable of.

I understand, dear readers– I was just as surprised to discover that the Devil’s plague isn’t the Irish as a whole.

What.

What.

Also: Possible proof Ireland may be doomed. Heh heh… gaiety.

GAFS: Can’t kid around anymore. Fucking zombies are fucking serious fucking business. I have to give at least twenty Fucks out of five. Plus, Ireland is really cool. Please don’t be bury me alive with large stones wedged in my mouth.

Online gamers crack AIDS enzyme puzzle

Source: Yahoo! News Canada

I’ll be honest… I never read the article. But from what I can gather, it means that World of Warcaft finally serves a purpose other than breaking up marriages and saving water supplies everywhere. Conversely, I could make a Call of Duty or Halo joke and be all like “You got AIDS, AIDS! Fucking niggorz faggot bitch! BOOM! HEADSHOT! PWN3D!!1” etc.

AIDS must be so ashamed.

Pictured: Level 96 anti-AIDS paladin.

GAFS: Six out of five Fucks. Think about it: More Fucks can be had with less AIDS around. Just sayin’.

Well, another GAFS down. I will leave you with the following thought-in-an-image…

Dental Predator wants you to know everything will be alright.

Advertisements

In defense of the stupidity of Star Wars

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on September 17, 2011 by synabetic

I won’t lie to you: I love Star Wars.

I mean, what guy in his 30’s or 40’s doesn’t? If you know a man my age who hates Star Wars, you may have definitive proof of pod people.

You also need to cover that guy in Nutella and set him on fire– immediately.

Thing is, Star Wars, at least where the movies are concerned, is pretty fucking stupid. The prequels are even stupider, and I will come to blows with anyone who is stupid enough to disagree. Star Wars is, simply put, retarded. The Star Wars prequels are insulting to anyone who happens to be retarded. You get my point.

But why do I still love Star Wars? How can I love something so stupid? Well, it’s easy: I grew up with it. Not only that, but Star Wars changed society, for fuck’s sake. Think about it. Without Star Wars, would we have had that awesome toy tie-in / comic book / TV show upswing we did starting back in the late 70’s? No Star Wars could have meant no Battlestar Galactica, no Wrath of Khan, no Battle Beyond the Stars, no cool video games, no Ice Pirates and no comic books.

Here, read about how Star Wars basically saved comic books. It’s what prompted me to write this. I’ll wait.

No Star Wars might have meant me reading less and being less interested in science fiction & fantasy. See, when I was really little, around 3 years old, my dad loved to read comics. He would give me Amazing Spider-Man and Captain America to read– and I loved them. But it was those Star Wars comics he gave me that I really latched on to. I also loved the movies and toys. In fact, the comics material was so ingrained in me that it wasn’t until about high school did I realize that the first Star Wars movie didn’t have Biggs talking to Luke early on. No, that was the comics talking. Probably a Star Wars story book, too.

No Star Wars would also probably mean no 2000 AD launching around the same times as the first Star Wars film–which in turn would mean no Judge Dredd, which would then mean I would have to rely on only The Punisher, Deadpool and John Constantine as the greatest comic book characters in history.

It’s true. No one is better than Judge Dredd.

Shut your drokking trap.

Sure, without Star Wars, everything I hold dear would have surfaced somehow… but Star Wars laid out the droid strewn galactic playing field. Before Star Wars, space fantasy and crap like that was reserved for the true goddamned nerds who looked at professional geeks, sighed, and groaned “I sure wish I could bite the heads of chickens like those guys”.

Star Wars also paved the Appian Way of Awesome for things like Transformers and GI Joe. You know, because toy tie-ins are fucking awesome. And Marvel Comics published the tie-in comics, and I read the shit out of those, with the only sad note being that I wished they’d done Conan / Elfquest crossover toys.

Note to everyone: Make some Conan / Elfquest crossover toys. Or just cool Elfquest shit. I’m down with that.

Think about this: At some point, someone watched Star Wars and was like “Holy felgercarb, it is totally possible to do Starship Troopers, or something like that, now that there’s a possible fanbase!”

Blake’s 7, Space: Above and Beyond, tons of other shit… and you can’t help but think it led to Firefly, which led to the new Battlestar Galactica… and… and…

And a bunch of shitty Star Wars prequel cartoons. Fuck.

Now, at the tender age of 36, I’m forced to once again admit Star Wars is pretty goddamned stupid. The original trilogy is rather daft and silly, made worse by the constant stream of new edits and additions… because George Lucas can’t stop fucking with them. The prequel trilogy lacks any kind of the heart the first movies had, is even stupider story-wise, and is basically a bunch of kick-ass action scenes where mainly robots and/or clones die. It also changes the six film mega shitfest into the story of Anakin Skywalker, who, if you don’t remember, is the asshole (but cool asshole) Darth Vader. You know, a guy responsible for the death of millions. A real dick. But I guess when he was a kid, he was cool, so here’s a lunchbox.

Let me Godwin this for a moment. Bear with me.

Adolf Hitler was a motherfucking war hero in World War I. That guy was the awesome-balls. So much so, he lost one of his balls being a badass. If we made a film or films of Hitler as a youngster until the end of WWI, we would see a kid with a weird, hard life and the struggles he was having with finding himself. He would seem sympathetic and even pretty awesome, maybe. The movie Max sorta shows this, but even that film had to make Hitler bad at the end.

Why? Because he’s ADOLF HITLER. That’s why.

Pictured: Space Hitler.

In the Star Wars universe, Darth Vader is Adolf Hitler. By that I mean he’s the nasty, evil bad guy. The only reason why Vader redeems himself is because he all of a sudden loves Luke Skywalker (spoiler!), his son. It’s also a fine example of really shitty writing and storytelling, but I’ll can that hate for now.

Hey. Stop crying because I compared the guy who’s on your t-shirt to Adolf Hitler. I did it. Live with it.

Little Darth Vader in the prequels utterly fails to be a sympathetic character because he will grow up to be DARTH VADER. Hell, in the third prequel film he even kills a bunch of kids. So, he’s like Hitler, except Hitler never killed any kids personally. Hitler would have never done that. Maybe order their deaths, or, more likely, put someone in charge who wants to kill kids or order their deaths… but go into a school and wipe out a bunch of children single-handedly? Wow.

I just might be saying Darth Vader is worse than Hitler. (Except that, you know, Hitler is an actual historical figure. Pah– history.)

Back to thinking Star Wars is stupid: Lucas ruined the first movies for me because he took a guy worse than Hitler and made him the fucking focus, instead of Space Hitler’s bastard son who ends up killing his ass when he grows up.

Right. Got it. Fuck you, George Lucas.

Aside from the frothing fanboy nonsense above, I still believe Star Wars to be one of the most important things ever created for society. It, along with Star Trek, changed not only entertainment as we knew it, but it also encouraged millions of people to do things they would have never dreamed of has Star Wars and Star Trek not existed. I really don’t see Buck Rogers or Dan Dare doing that sort of thing.

Also: I’m still waiting on that replicator. Chop, chop, nerds!

I won’t break down why Star Wars at its core is insipid nonsense. I don’t have enough time to get into it. Don’t worry, though, just go to Ye Olde Google and you’ll find plenty. Star Wars is dumb fun, but it still changed everything.

Keep in mind, that while I talk a nice, crazy game, in the end I really don’t care how dumb Star Wars is. I’ve had a lot of fun with Star Wars throughout my life, and I will continue to do so. The comics, the books, the role-playing games (NERRRD), the toys, the videogames (Battlefront FTW forever), the t-shirts– all of it is very special to me.

A Star Wars comic from Marvel may be one of the first pieces of literature that really made me think. I was eight. I saw Blade Runner that year with my dad, too, but it was way over my head in many ways. I had read all kinds of classics by that point, but they didn’t get under my skin until I was a little older. Star Wars #80, “Ellie, made me read it over and over and really feel something. It was touching and sad. It moved me. I may have even shed a tear or two. It effected me in many way. I can remember that when I was running D&D games for my friends around a year later, I would think of that issue so I could add more depth to the games. “Ellie” helped me discover pathos.

Proof I'm not a sociopath.

Huh. Does anyone else notice that in the above image, it looks like Darth Vader has a spiked helmet? It’s like I have the der sechste sense and see Germans everywhere…

Where the hell was I going with all this? Oh, yeah, Star Wars, no matter how silly it is, is excessively important. With the release of the blu-ray and such, and everyone talking Star Wars again, I like to remind myself that one of my favorite things isn’t just a giant waste of time. Star Wars grew up with me, helped shape me, and maybe me the uber-nerd I am today.

Well, Star Wars, Star Trek, 2000 AD, the Commodore 64, and role-playing games. And a bunch of other things. But Star Wars is in the top three.

Do I actually hate George Lucas? No, of course not. It’s his fiction, one which he shares with us. If I were ever to meet him I would thank him for his contribution to who I am, and to contributing to a shit-load of careers and creations. While it might be fun to say “Fuck you, Lucas!”, the simple truth is that he awesome.

Even if I think the prequels suck massive amounts of sailors’ dicks.

What? They do.

GAFS: Wry Bread, RIM jobs and Irony Crosses

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on September 16, 2011 by synabetic

Oh, hey there! It’s that special time. You know, the special time where I take some news or newslike links, link them, add a picture with some funny alt-text, maybe (/Dr. Zoidberg voice), and finish-move it with a Give A Fuck Scale (aka: GAFS), which represents how many Fucks I give about that particular story, also here’s another comma; also, a semicolon and comma.

Also, also, semicolon; serial (killer with the parentheses) comma, and colon: Your mom.

Exclusive: Most imported foods contains inaccurate nutritional info, inspections show

Source: The Vancouver Sun

Not only does the Vancouver Sun massively fail at keeping headlines short, they also fail at having them make sense. And fail at making them non-obtuse. “Most imported foods contains”? Really? Someone should be fired based on that alone. It’s either “foods contain” or “food contains”. Okay? Seriously: Get your shit together.

As for the funny, one part which I cannot resist touching is:
Examples include rye bread lacking rye, wing steak labelled as a T-bone, and a “no preservatives” claim on a product containing a preservative.

So, uh, would it be called “WRY BREAD”, then? Oh ho ho ho ho ho HO! I kill me.

Wry Bread dreams of this every night.

Make up your own goddamned jokes about T-bones and preservatives. Jesus.

I can’t do everything for you.

GAFS: I give the story three Fucks out of five. I’ll give editorial four Fuck Yous out of five.

Children’s book too hot for U.S. publishers warmly received in Canada

Source: The Globe and Mail

And, hey, look– another long headline. Let’s blame Canada for that, as it never gets old.

Right. So, yeah, another “Hey! Americans! We’re so much less religiously fucking fucked than you, America. You fuckers!” moment for Canadastan. That’s cool. I mean I present the following evidence in support of undisputed, non-Stephen Harper Canadian Rightness:

My god, it's full of Crazy.

Now that we have that out of the way, let’s get to The Serious. Look, I know you all want to think some awesome dude (and he is indeed awesome) couldn’t get his cool dino-book published in the USofA because of the pants-wetting fear publishers have of THE CREAAAAATIONISTS, but I have to get all skeptical on this, just for a second.

It’s all hilariously ironic, when I think on it.

But did this book get passed over by American publishers because of THE CREAAAAAAZYTIONTS? Or was it just passed over like most children’s books? Because childrens’s’ss book industry would make motherfucking Spartacus choke on his own vomit in pure, unadulterated terror. That guy would probably build a time machine and then travel forward until he had Nazis to punch just so he didn’t have to travel a bit further to deal with kids books and those who publish them.

At this point I’d like to pitch my kiddie book, Why Prostitutes are Almost as Awesome as Cocaine.

(That’s the pitch.)

Maybe Loxton’s book really was turned down due to laughable fears of silly publishers. I really want to think that is the Randi’s honest truth. It’s easy to think reality is more crazy than werewolf-stuffed peanut butter sandwiches. And you know what? As much as I like the idea of sammiches made from werewolves, the article probably hits the truth.

BUT.

The column/article-thing, I think, utterly fails to convey any kind of proof or anything. Of course, I could have just lazily skimmed the whole thing just to get to the sweet, juicy comedy I crave (you know, for attention). I am lazily lazy like that an’ such. And considering the lead subject in that column is an awesome, well-respected Skeptic with a capital “S”… well, that’s pretty fucking funny, man.

Not that I’m lazy, but the fact I’m being skeptic– well, shit. I’m sure you get it. Right? Right?

I guess the silly example I could give is thusly thus: I woke up at 10am today… Was this because I was tired? Or was it Space Stalin and his charming unicorns. I vote commie unicorns, based on the evidence at hand. The book was turned away by some publishers. It must’ve been creationists because the book contained something about evolution. That’s what the article tells me, anyway. Oh, and a nice write-up on the author.

GAFS: This gets five out of five Fucks. I really enjoyed thinking about all of this shit.

Also: Eat giant dinosaurs made entirely from dicks, you crazy creationist bastards. I hope your trailers burn down. Velvet Jesus paintings are pretty flammable, I hear– finally: a good use for them.

RIM shares drop as sales and profit plunge

Source: CNN

RIM job jokes in 3…2…1…

Okay, so it’s no surprise Blackberrys are sucking the dong of failure these days. Just look at RIM’s brilliant decision making the last few years: Their only touchscreen phone worth a shit is bigger than most time machine/phasers/toasters; the Playbook is like an iPad, but smaller and more retarded; BBM is the most overrated shit ever. Really, it should have been apparent that Blackberry was sucking when RIM was obviously leaking to the press that the rioters in England were using BBM to communicate.

I can see the holy-shit-meeting-time now: “We need exposure. Attention. Anything! Wait… what if we say that the rioters are using BBM? Wot? No one will believe that? I disagree. People will believe anything– even that silly crap.”

And so a headline and an article were born so I could use it as material here– for you.

Let’s face it: Unless Blackberrys become really fucking awesome, like, NOW (but not like NOW, if you know what I mean), then no one will simply give a fuck. I’m a Blackberry user, myself. I even have a Playbook (I like to blame work for that one). Have I found the Blackberry to be more useful than other smartphones? Not really. The only reason why I haven’t killed myself is because I don’t need a touchscreen and I’ve learned to like the keyboard setup.

Speaking of Blackberrys… What the hell is up with people buying Pearls? Why would you want one? It’s slim, yeah, but you have a limited keyboard and… fuck it. Anyways.

This all makes me wonder what in store next for RIM and their jobs. Maybe they could actually play on the joke that they’re already retro?

Pictured: The new Blackberry and its human slave.

Yeah. I did not choose wisely. I should’ve gotten myself a Samsung phone and glued a keyboard on to it.

GAFS: Three Fucks out of five. I dunno if I give any Fucks about RIM’s fate.

Shit! I just realized I could have made a RIM / Steve Jobs joke… Noooooo!

Caller to 911: ‘I just want some tacos’

Source: CNN

Aside from the fact that the reporters who put this video together probably all set themselves on fire because they finally realized their careers have amounted to nothing, I feel that not getting tacos is a fucking hardcore serious issue.

Why can’t a drunk guy wander up to a drive-thru and get some motherfucking, life-essential tacos? WHY? Must he be discriminated against because he was conscientious enough to not drive drunk? Sure, calling 911 is a crime against humanity and insulting to people who don’t rape babies everywhere; but come on: Dude needed some goddamned tacos.

Just look.

Pictured: Motherfucking tacos in a motherfucking taco holder.

Can you now see that man’s pain? Can you?

I can.

GAFS: Sixteen million Fucks out of five.

Nasa satellite UARS nearing Earth ‘could land anywhere’

Source: BBC

We are all going to die.

Additionally: It’s “NASA” not “Nasa”, you goddamned people who live on the largest aircraft carrier in history.

Welcome to England, mates!

GAFS: It’s really hard to give a Fuck about this… until someone dies.

Annnnd that’s it for now. Perhaps I’ll throw another one up soon. Maybe so soon that ninjas will come out of my nose and ass.

We’ll see.

You are invited to The Uninvited

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on September 15, 2011 by synabetic

One of my jobs is writing for and editing a digital-based horror magazine that’s been in development (as well as working on other things for the company). And, finally, issue #1 of THE UNINVITED MAGAZINE has launched for the iPad. Don’t worry Android users– that version should be down the pike at some point.

Anywayhow, working on THE UNINVITED has been mostly fun with about 15% frustration. It’s good frustration, though, as I’ve never been a primary editor on a magazine before. This one required my skills for both prose and sequential art (that’s “comics” to most of us). So, in the spirit of the launch of THE UNINVITED, I’ve decided to post the cover art for the mag and each story, and I’m throwing in a random page for each one… exclusive to this blog.

I think.

Let’s get started…

Be sure to click on the images for ze larger picture size.

Nice cover, eh? Steve Sprayson did a nice, simple job for our launch issue. It gives that feel of pulpiness and comic book stuff that our readers should expect. Warren Zahari did a bang-up job on layout, for both the cover and throughout the magazine.

The main credits page. Look, mom, I’m an editor!

The story we chose to kick off THE UNINVITED was Hypergraphia by Ken Lillie-Paetz. The art there is by the wonderfully talented Fiona Staples. Hypergraphia was the perfect choice to lead everything because it’s very “meta”, as the kids today say.  I don’t want to give anything away about it other than that writers will especially enjoy the hell out of it. It’s also goddamned creepy and awesome in the way that it’s written. Excellent work, Ken. You can be let out of the room for an hour a week now.

Okay, okay, fine… above is a taste of Hypergraphia.

Ah, my comic: The Devil Eggs: Except Reality. I was asked to come up with a Weird War property for Rock Bay Media (who publishes THE UNINVITED), and this is what I concocted. I won’t lie… initially there were tons of problems for reasons I cannot get into because it would be professionally lame to, but the good thing is once the artist and I started talking to each other we were all long-distance high-fiving  and fixing (or trying with the fixing) some of the problems that had cropped up (none of which were our faults, mind). Nunan is a great guy and was a real treat to work with. There was a bit of a language barrier, but we managed pretty well (considering my overly-complex script). The only hang-up after the fact was getting a couple more pieces of short work done, which we did with Myke Allen. Myke’s a local artist who happens to be American just like me, and we met and hit it off a few months back. The front and back “covers” of this Devil Eggs installment are done by him… and we’ll see Myke again for the second fist-punching, face-shooting Devil Eggs madness, Damonzeit, in THE UNINVITED #2.

Warren Zahari did a nice job with the lettering, too. All in all, Nunan, Myke and Warren worked very hard to bring my vision to fruition. And Warren? Thanks for the lovely swastika, man.

Just thought I’d add the back cover for The Devil Eggs: Except Reality. As usual, my only worry with this short of mine is that I really needed five more pages. Just… five… more… pages… Interesting tidbit: I was the model for Myke in the above panel. He also worked to keep his art consistent with Nunan’s, which I think turned out well. If you love World War II and monsters and horror and grim shit, you may like The Devil Eggs.

The Most Beautiful Girl, by writer Mark MacKenzie, is the longest prose piece in THE UNINVITED #1. It’s about a guy chasing after a gorgeous-yet-mysterious woman. Naturally, horrific hijinx ensue. Editing-wise, Mark was fantastic to work with. He takes edits and suggestion well, and is actually enthused about the editorial process. To me, those are high marks for, uh, Mark. As for the art, Ann Koi knocks it out of the park. She read the story and came up with the above piece. It sufficiently seductive and, well, sufficiently nightmarish.

And up there is a page from The Most Beautiful Girl. Props to Warren again on the layout.

Alex Diochan did everything for Depths. Story, art, and lettering. It’s a fun little tale with incredible layout and art. The only thing Alex didn’t do was the editing, and I’m happy he didn’t end up stabbing me.

I chose the above page because I truly love how Alex manages to compress all those panels onto one page without losing focus or story in the process. It’s very old school, but in that amazing old school way. I won’t dick around with you either: The fact Alex’s art here has a Guy Davis and/or Mike Mignola vibe to it was a major selling point for me. It also strikes me as very European, which doesn’t hurt, either.

The enigma-enshrouded Adam Donahue contributed a very short story to THE UNINVITED #1, and while it’s short, I found it intriguing as well as thought-provoking. I’ve decided to only add the cover to this story, though, as the whole story needs to be read at once. Big high-fives to Warren on that cover, too.

And there’s the last page of the magazine for you. You will notice the promo art for #2 that Dusty Peterson was working on. Well, the final image is all done and when you see it, you may shit yourself as I did.

Just so you know: All of our contributors are paid for their hard work. So, yeah, buying this digi-rag of horror goodness helps to support us paying more fine and independent creators.

There you have it. A preview of sorts concerning THE UNINVITED MAGAZINE #1. I hope you buy it and enjoy it verily. If you do end up getting it, be sure to contact us to let us know what you though, for bad or good. We love all kinds of feedback, as it helps us with the creation and editing process.

For links to everyone mentioned in this post, GO HERE.

For more information on THE UNINVITED, GO HERE.

To get your filthy, filthy eye-hands on THE UNINVITED MAGAZINE #1 for the low Launch Price of $2.99, GO HERE DAMMIT.

Oh, and join THE UNINVITED on Facebook HERE.

Thanks for your time, and I hope to see you on the other side… where the tentacle-hounds are.

It’s My Birthday and I’ll Say “Donkey Show” if I Want to

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on September 10, 2011 by synabetic

Yup. It’s my birthday. I’m thirty-six whole years old. I’m thirty-six whole years old and have little to show for it.

I could say I own a house; but my ex-wife lives in it, pays for it and basically has nearly all the assets we shared. You may think that’s horrible, but she’s the mother of my children, and my children are more important than me, her, her parents or any bullshit we had together. So, in essence, it’s my kids’ house. Still, I have no house.

In fact, my only real asset is my car, which I fully own, which also hasn’t been driven in months. Thanks to an insurance foul-up and other problems (read: no goddamned money), Mr. Car just sits there, silently cursing my existence.

Yeah, I have stuff. Some stuff. A couple of old computers (including this four year old laptop I’m typing on right now), comic books, boardgames, an old Xbox (or “ship anchor”, as I like to call it), a folding bed, a whole bunch of history books, clothes, kids toys for the kids, and various other sundry items, etc. My stuff is limited, to say the least. It serves little purpose than to give me a headache whenever I need to move to a new place of residence.

Speaking of which, due to trusting in getting paid, like, I’m supposed to, I’ll have to find a new place of residence soon. It’s not so bad– I just feel like a giant asshole sitting here and thinking I could work a job as a writer with little trouble. Okay, I never thought that. I’ve always known being a professional writer/editor person is tough. There are times when I have to look for other work to make ends meet. There are times when I look at young people selling me shit in the mall and want to strangle them because they have it good and I don’t. And yet they always wish they were me, writing and getting paid to write. It’s a weird world.

I do feel like a giant asshole, though.

It’s my birthday, and I want you to appreciate what you fucking have. Alright? It’s moments like these I think about a certain ex-girlfriend and how she is so sad and depressed– like, needs-therapy and to be locked up for a while depressed– and yet she works a cake job that overpays her and lives with her incredibly well-off parents… and I would do my damnedest to not point at her and start shrieking like a Body Snatcher when she would complain she wasn’t doing what she wanted to do. She would complain. She would cry. She would act like a spoiled princess whose pony came in a color she disliked. Meanwhile, I would listen to her and think about my crappy mall job, which I worked five times harder than she did for 25% of the pay. I would then think about how I was also making time for her, making time for my kids, and making time for writing.

I would then think about her being set on fire.

Of course, I would keep all that shit to myself and try to be supportive and kind. Sadly, this all usually led to her saying I was too cynical and I complained too much. I was a whiner. I was too talkative about feelings.

I was basically a human being. And she doesn’t like human beings.

This is the part where I say “I wish her the best” and other annoying, placating shit. Fuck that. Maybe she’ll get her head on straight; maybe she won’t. It doesn’t matter. I honestly don’t care anymore. She’s simply an anecdote now; one I can use while pointing out you should appreciate what you have.

I should also take my own advice.

It’s too easy to wallow in shitiness. Life has dealt me a bad hand. I’m stuck in Canada. My ex-wife fucked me over so hard that people in Burkina Faso felt it. I have no money. I’m always struggling. Whine, whine, whine, bitch, bitch, bitch, moan, moan, moan. And yet I still don’t kill myself… much to the displeasure to those I displease so much.

I don’t believe in fate, karma, gods, psychic powers or destiny. I am a human meat sack waiting to die. Each birthday I have is a prick of a reminder of that sad, sad, cold, hard truth. That said, I still love what I have. I still love living my life. I still treat every birthday I have like a pandimensional holiday.

That’s why this birthday is already better. My last two birthdays were pretty lame. The one from two years back involved a restaurant making me sick, an asshole bank manager friend of a friend who told me writing and comic books was for losers, and basically knowing my marriage was ending, and ending badly. Last year involved my girlfriend at the time buying Beerfest tickets, which promptly sold out, then said I was a jerk for assuming she was taking me to Beerfest for my birthday (because Beerfest fell on my birthday last year, as it does this year). Now, I can’t drink beer due to life-fucking allergies, but I was, like, “what the fucking fuck?”. Eventually, I talked her into giving me a ticket for my birthday present. But seriously: She had no intention of even taking me. To a festival she was going to. On my goddamned birthday. Jesus.

And did I listen to Warning Sign #4567 on this particular person? Hell, no. I’m a goddamned idiot. Anyways, we went to Beerfest, which led to me being bored out of my mind and hovering around the only vendor selling cider (which I can drink– yay!). Afterwards, we left and I literally ran into a group of drunks.

Hey, it’s Beerfest. Motherfucking drunks abound like motherfuckers.

The drunks were cool, and very drunk. I mentioned that it was my birthday and one of them started insisting on buying me booze. I politely declined, and the dude became incredibly belligerent (surprise, I know). All I wanted to do is get to my car and make some goddamned nachos at my girlfriend’s house. My then-girlfriend started yelling at drunk belligerent dude and screaming that I was going to wear his face like a Halloween mask. Me and her family members looked at each other, and we waved and said our fuck-yous… and walked for my car.

Which had a parking ticket.

No other car near-by had one, and I know they didn’t live in that neighborhood. I remember thinking “it can’t get much worse, right?”. But it did. After making some epic nachos, my girlfriend and I headed over to a friend’s place, who was also having a birthday and visiting from Europe. Some friends of mine showed up, and they were awesome. What wasn’t awesome was how my girlfriend quickly started complaining and wanting to go home. Within a half hour, she was laying on the sidewalk outside, napping. To this day, a buddy that was there still refers to her as “crazy sidewalk napper girl”.

It’s funnier when he says it because he has a heavy French accent.

So that was my birthday last year. Pretty crap, overall. And here I sit, mere blocks away from Beerfest and where some dickhole called my car in for parking in front of their house. This is one of the reasons why I hate living here, in Victoria. It’s like a microcosm of suck. If something sucks hard– don’t worry, it will be around again because nothing ever escapes the Island. It’s like living in a really boring science fiction horror movie.

Now, it’s my birthday again. I’m thirty-six whole years old. I’m thirty-six whole years old and have little to show for it. Other people my age have houses, boats, cars and all kinds of shit. I don’t even own a TV. I do have a bunch of role-playing games, though, which I like to think about so I can feel superior in my own special way.

This all might sound like depressive bitching in the form of interesting word salad, but I really am trying to be happy. I accept my life is insane, just like a few of my ex-relationships. I suppose it make me a more interesting person, which in turn makes for interesting writing. I guess. You know the saying: Write what you know.

Well, I know donkey show.

I also know I’m thirty-six whole years old and have an entire life to show for it.

I’m okay with that.

 

UPDATE: And I’m totally okay with being in love with a lovely woman who loves me, feeds me and gives me a bag of tacos on my birthday.

Guilty Pleasure Movie Time for Tasteless Bastards

Posted in Uncategorized on September 9, 2011 by synabetic

I like to watch movies. And like anyone who watches movies who enjoys writing, I like thinking I can do better. Obviously, this has paid out for me, because I’m typing this post from my awesome zeppelin mansion in the sky.

Right. Maybe not. I should continue before I kill myself by drinking paint stripper.

So, movies. I think I’ll list some movies I enjoy watching over and over, regardless of what Roger Ebert, unicorns or your mom think.

Here we go…

Crank

I actually re-watched this for the eleventy-millionth time with my girlfriend last night. It never gets old. Jason Statham (is there any point in having a character name attached?) is poisoned DOA style and is gonna find who killed him and fuck their shit up. This movie is fast, violent, and goddamned hilarious. Truth be told, I’m an easy sell, because I also enjoyed the shit out of Crank: High Voltage. If you love guns, destruction, and mayhem on a level that can only be described as “fucking retarded”, these movies are for you.

"This may hurt a little."

The Fifth Element

My girlfriend pointed out to me that this should be on the list, and I wholeheartedly agree. The Fifth Element is almost the perfect Boy-Gets-Girl film… covered in Blade-Runner-meets-Heavy-Metal-and-other-cool-shit spray paint. It’s quick and wonderfully written. Almost cute, even. I never get sick of it. I could watch it right now, regardless of what your mom thinks.

Oh, and I was just reminded of how The Fifth Element may be one of the only movies out there that would make you desperately wish for an appliance. No, I don’t mean one that would murder Chris Tucker in the most painful manner possible. I’m talking about roast chicken in less than a second. No, that’s not racist, either (unless you hate microwaves– racists). Insert– ding!– food done. Faster than a those sheep-hookers from the Falklands I hear so much about.

Just remember: You can find anything on Google.

Reign of Fire

You may think “Holy balls, Steve, that movie is fucking stupid”, and I would be inclined to agree with you. Except Reign of Fire is stupidly awesome. It was so awesome, in fact, that a buddy pointed out to me that my Warhammer Fantasy Role-Play character was like the Matthew McConaughey (I always forget the “ghey” when I type his name) character and I proceeded to go nuts with the idea. This led to me using that nerdy escapist surrogate a lot (with beer), even basing a comic character off of him (my WFRP guy– not the Reign of Fire guy– okay, lawyers?). Straight up, this movie could have ended better, but it still rocked. It puts the pleasure in guilty pleasure.

I'll rate this an 8 on the Jason Statham Scale.

The Chronicles of Riddick

It’s Buck Rogers meets Conan in space, for fuck’s sake. How could it go wrong? I know quite a few people hated this film, and to them I can offer only this well thought out, articulate response: Die in a fire. Yeah, I know, it wasn’t the best idea for a sequel to Pitch Black. But you know what? I bet Vin Diesel and David Twohy didn’t give a fuck. So there.

He made her play D&D on set. Save vs rejoicing, nerds.

Feast

Some time ago, I used this for a first date movie with a girl who turned out to be certifiably fucking bonkers. Maybe her enjoying Feast on a first date was a sign. This movie is ultra-violent, messed-up and without-a-doubt gross. Monsters fucking your face and laying eggs in said face? Check. Decapitation, dismemberment, and more dismemberment? Check. Kid getting eaten alive? Check. Hilarious jokes and shit? Double check. I love Feast. It’s basically what goes on in my head on any given day.

"Mom?"

Conan the Barbarian

It Conan. It’s the movie that made a certain Austrian’s career (Hitler was never the same again). It’s fucking CONAN. It was so freaking amazing that the new Conan film couldn’t live up to it. Replace Arnold with Jason Momoa and it would be perfect. I know Robert E. Howard fans shit themselves over how non-Conan this classic was, but come on, live a little. Also, no one knows who REH is except for sad nerds like us.

Jason Momoa... or this guy.

Flash Gordon

Really, I could just watch a mishmash of clips of Brian Blessed from Flash Gordon put to the Queen soundtrack and be perfectly satisfied. This over-the-top campy freakazoid thing will never die to me. It also makes me think of the Flash Gordon TV show from a few years back, and how the new Conan movie could have been much, much worse.

This movie is probably also the first occurrence of a Flash mob.

Pictured: Your only reason for living.

I’m positive I can list more films, but the above are ones I never get sick of, ever. I’ve tried getting sick of them. I really have. Maybe in the future I can list more movies I can watch the shit out of.

Do I have crappy taste in movies? Probably. Look, Children of Men is amazing, but I can’t watch it more than five times. Sorry. And the more I watch the Alien/s and Blade Runner films, the more I pick them apart. Maybe it’s a good thing the movies I list kinda suck… I accept the suck and just let go.

Let go of the suck.

GAFS: And I couldn’t even feel it…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on September 9, 2011 by synabetic

Hello there, and welcome to another session of me trying to Give A Fuck about things in the news. I figure pooping out another one of these might help alleviate the crushing doom that is my impending birthday and the double-stuffed crushing doom that is my life in general.

Here’s the drill: I link to a news story, add some pithy crap, and then attach a number of fucks I give on the Give A Fuck Scale (or GAFS, for you fellow acronym crazy OCD types out there).

Here we go…

***

Earthquake hits off Vancouver Island

Source: Victoria Times Colonist

I’ll lead with this one since it’s, like, today-recent. I live in Victoria, BC, so there’s another reason why.

To be completely honest, I didn’t even know there was a quake “locally” (it’s a big freaking island) until a couple friends posted to my wall on Facebook about it. Did I work through it? Sleep through it? Masturbate through it? Was I working on new masturbation techniques and doze off, missing the Island Quake Event of the Year? The answer, to some extent, is yes. I missed the epic 6.4 earthquake, sure to be the talk of Tim Hortons and Starbucks citywide. I guess I should feel bad. I’m supposed to assimilate and feel like I’m a part of the local Canadian team; but instead I bitch about too many coins and cheese prices. Goddamned Americans, I tell you.

One thing I was reminded of is just how for-shit the Times Colonist is. Whether in print or on the intardnets, it always seems to “meh” the shit out of me. I lived in Spokane, WA, for a long time, and I can say its local paper, The Spokesman Review, is vastly superior. And just look at the top of the Times Colonist page.

Just look. Right there, below.

Totally stolen from the Times Colonist.

It could be me, what with masturbation and napping on the mind, but that image of that capitol building (or whatever) looks like a penis. It also looks like a happy penis, if you know what I mean. Just looking at it make me want to nap.

So, so tired.

GAFS: About two out of five Fucks.

***
How do I tell my kids about 9-11?

Source: CNN

I’m not going to rag on Mike Milhaven and the nice opinion piece he wrote up. You did just fine, Mike. It simply makes me think what I’ll tell my kids. I can see it now…

Older Kid: Daddy, what’s this whole 9/11 thing about?
Younger Kid: Yeah, daddy.
Me: Well, after years of warnings and fucking with other people, a terrorist group decided they had to outdo all the spectacular terrorist action from the 80s, like that shit in Beirut, so they hijacked some planes and flew them into the World Trade Center, Pentagon and, I think, a cornfield.
Younger Kid: A cornfield? Were they farmer terrorists?
Me: No. Farmer terrorists hate vegans and work with the aliens on GMOs. I think the Cornfield Plane was headed for the White House.
Older Kid: And why couldn’t they hit this white house?
Me: White House. With capital letters, buddy. I dunno. The story is that the hijacked passengers rushed the cockpit; but since the White House is so important, I wouldn’t be surprised if the plane was shot down to protect… an important building.
Both Kids: WOW!
Me: But don’t quote me on that. No, seriously, I don’t want to be deported and raped.
Younger Kid: It all sounds very sad.
Me: It is, little guy. Being renditioned and taken to a remote location to be tortured for information is no laugh– oh, yeah, you mean… right. Yeah, it is really sad. A lot of people died.
Older Kid: Yeah, daddy, it is totally sad.
Me: You guys hear something?
Both Kids: No.
Me: We should stop talking about this. My ass is starting to tingle, and there isn’t a cloud in the sky.
Both Kids: Okay.
Me: But, um, yeah… a really sad event. You can read all about it. My dad made me read about everything I asked about and then I drew my own conclusions.
Younger Kid: Like what?
Me: Cyclops is a twat. There are many different kids of cheese. Oh, and the War of 1812 lasted until 1814.
Older Kid: You mean 1815.
Me: See? Reading is fucking awesome. Now go make me a sandwich.

Or something like that, I’m sure.

GAFS: Let’s say three out of five Fucks.

***

Canada not at greater risk over U.S. terror threat

No shit. Really?

Keep trying, Canada. I’m sure that one day you’ll be hated as much as America.

Until then we can worry about the creepy, touches-too-much Uncle type of government here.

GAFS: One Fuck out of Five.

***

Wilson Phillips Scores Reality Series

Source: CNN

Oh, terribly sorry, Canada. Looks like you have to get behind the States and Wilson Phillips for the top hated slot.

Feast your eyes upon what has to be the most accurate cascading scale of “How much you have to drink seriously impairs your judgement at a bar”.

Nicked from CNN

GAFS: I’ll give this four out of five Fucks, simply because this shit terrifies me. Hold me, please.

***

England scrape victory over India at The Oval

Source: BBC

Upon seeing this headline, I was hoping it had something to do with motorcycles, tanks, some flamethrowers and maybe a little fish & chips thrown in. Instead, it’s about cricket.

No one cares about cricket.

If the game were called “praying mantis“, my opinion would be radically different.

This is from some site that says "God" a lot.

GAFS: No Fucks were given. None. Throw in Thri-Kreen and I’ll give way more Fucks. Vorpal Fucks, even.

***

That was all pretty random, but it was quick and fun to do. Fun for me. For all I know, reading this may cause you to repeatedly stab your sinus cavity with a Wilson Phillips head screwdriver.

Until next time: Stay drunk.