HilariBad: “So You Want to Date Steve…”

Around a couple months back right after the break-up with Ivy, I was drinking one night (surprise, surprise) and I wrote this little thing up. As usual, having regular content for this blog is important, or so I hear. I’ve chosen to tag asides such as you are seeing below as “HilariBad”. Also, I don’t know just how “single” I am at the moment, but this may be amusing nonetheless. You decide.

So You Want to Date Steve…

 

That’s right, ladies! Handsome and bitterly charming dreamboat Steve Saunders is newly released into the wilds of the grinding shit-show you all know and love: The Dating Scene.

Sure, you’d love a piece of that good ol’ reprobate Steve. But how do you come by him? Or on—well, nevermind. Glad you asked! Keep reading and perhaps you will glean some sort of insight into this particular form of emotional madness. Or maybe you’re continuing to read this for the intrinsic ego-laced comedy value this collection of words and punctuation no doubt contains. Whatever. It really doesn’t matter.

So, all you have to do is fill out this questionnaire. Try to answer honestly; but if you don’t it’ll be no surprise since most people lie on these things. Get ready, get set—Drink! Okay, now go!

1) Let’s kick it off with some multiple choice bullshit. You’re sitting with me at a bar somewhere (let’s see those surprise-faces!) and I decide to crack a joke. I say something and end it with “…but you know what’s NOT funny, right?”

So you respond with:

a. “The Holocaust.”
b. “Star Wars.”
c. “This isn’t going to lead to you saying something about The Holocaust, is it, Steve?”
d. “You.”
e. (Say nothing and just try to hang in there based on your good looks.)

2) Do you enjoy reading comic books? Do you refer to them as graphic novels or some kind of trite shit like that?

3) When I say “rom-com”, you say…. (Hint: it better have something to do with ROM: Spaceknight.)

4) Would you say a movie like Feast makes for an excellent or fucking awesome first date experience?

5) What the fuck is wrong with you?

6) No, really. There’s something wrong with you. Please elaborate.

7) Are you offended easily?

8 ) Do you drink booze? If so, how much? And do you live in an underground bunker with a lifetime supply of whiskey? (If you answer yes to that last bit, then please report to the nearest courthouse so we can get married immediately.)

9) It’s your birthday or Xmas coming up. How exactly are you going to guilt and subtlety manipulate me into picking up the perfect gift for you?

10) Do you smell funny?

11) Would you be embarrassed by someone who uses “donkey show” as a punchline to jokes like “why did the chicken cross the road”?

12) Can you laugh at Nazis?

13) What about man-eating unicorns dressed like Nazis?

14) Do you like current pop music? Are you really into it? (If you say yes, stop now and just leave me the fuck alone. I’ll probably break something precious in your soul anyway, so it’s best to not even try anymore. Okay? Thanks.)

15) Do you smell funny?

16) What are your “trigger words”? I need to know so I can avoid them, or, more likely, so I can get drunk and mock you with them.

17) Quick: Your mom. Did you laugh? You did? Please see above and go over “what the fuck is wrong with you?” part again. Is this a trick? Probably. I love Your Mom jokes. Or… do I?

18) Is Bruce Campbell the greatest or most awesomest actor who has ever lived?

19) Do you like kids?

20) How about kids with an Assassin Robot From The Future Soccer Mom for a mother?

21) Tell me in 100 words or less how you find Judge Dredd to be sexy.

22) Can you laugh with Nazis?

23) What about with man-eating unicorns dressed like Nazis?

24) Briefly explain how Dungeons & Dragons could cure cancer. Bonus points will be heaped upon you if you can work Warhammer and Rolemaster in there somewhere.

25) What’s your favourite undead related thing?

26) You’ve just become a Necromancer. What’s the first thing you do?

27) Are you a “I like my man to cook me a yummy dinner” kinda gal, or are you more “I like my man to drunkenly berate his computer in an orgy of blood and violence”?

28) What are your thoughts on smoking?

29) How would you feel if I said “I don’t give a fuck about how you feel about smoking”?

30) Space Dolphin vs. Ninja Toaster! Who wins and why?

31) Do you consider yourself to be a spiritual person? And do you care that I don’t give a shit about that sort of thing?

32) Do you like the idea of dating a guy who agonises over details like “just how many ways ARE there to kill someone with an axe?” as a part of his job?

33) Bacon. Thoughts?

34) So, we’ve been dating for a while and I’m out with my friends on a Friday night. What am I likely to be doing?

35) You’re watching my place while I’m out of town and you notice I have a treasure trove of rum. What do you do with it?

36) Is cannibalism REALLY all that bad?

37) What, in your mind, makes for a woman to be a “Princess”?

38) Are you a Princess?

39) How high maintenance are you? Am I always going to have to make sure my apartment is in immaculate order? Are you going to be impossible to talk to about the things bothering you? Do you need an entire lunar cycle to get ready to go anywhere?

40) Okay, let’s face facts. You probably have self-esteem or self-image issues. What are they? What do you do to deal with them? If wearing unnecessary clothing while we have sex is one of them, then you can just quit now. Wait. We can have sex, right?

41) What kind of crazy baggage would you be bringing into a relationship with me?

42) Do you like to call the shots? Or do you like to have them called for you? Or, maybe you’re more of a “let’s decide together” kinda person?

43) By now, you have noticed that I can have a rather, um, offbeat sense of humour. What are your thoughts on this?

44) If I had to sum up me in only a few words, I would say I am a “cynical idealist, meta non-conformist dreamer”. How would you describe yourself in such a manner?

45) Do you know what “Zoth Ommog” means? This is a tricky one, as it has more than one answer.

46) If we date and subsequently break up (these things go hand in hand, so it’s expected) will I have to show you how to properly lock up your Facebook so I am unable to see your posts? Truly, this is important. Some gals seem to have this issue…

47) If I have a problem, can I tell you without you telling me to shut up about it?

48) If you have a problem, do you like to talk about it, or are you more into “I don’t want to talk about it” with just about everything?

49) Can I point out (politely, of course) what’s bugging me about you? Can you take that sort of thing? Or would you throw something at me then run away sobbing?

50) Holy shit. You read all those questions? And answered them? I ask again: What is wrong with you?

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13 Responses to “HilariBad: “So You Want to Date Steve…””

  1. 1) B
    2) Yes and sometimes. The Watchmen was a Graphic Novel. Peter Porker the Amazing Spider Ham was a comic book.
    3) There is a con!? I have ROM issue #1.
    4) Yes, but only if it is followed by the sequel.
    5) Yes.
    6) Yes.
    7) No.
    8 ) Not anymore, an no. But it is full of porn.
    9) I’ll post a link on Facebook.
    10) No, I smell with my nose.
    11) No.
    12) Who doesn’t?
    13) As long as it’s not fucking Charlie.
    14) No.
    15) See #10 above.
    16) I don’t have trigger words. But I do have safe words.
    17) No and yes.
    18) Yes.
    19) Same as #33 below.
    20) Only if the Soccer Mom is also a MILF.
    21) The Boots.
    22) Only if they end a joke with “Donkey Show.”
    23) See #13 above.
    24) Saving throw vs. death, with an included CON bonus, and god-ranked Redbox stats.
    25) Betty White.
    26) Raise an army of dead porn stars. And JFK.
    27) “I like my man to drunkenly berate his computer in an orgy of blood and violence”? But don’t fuck up my desktop. I like that picture.
    28) Only if I am on fire.
    29) Better.
    30) Space Dolphin. I saw the episode of “Deadliest Warrior” the other day and that stupid-ass computer said it would go that way.
    31) No and no.
    32) I’m up to 753. Do you have more?
    33) See #19 above.
    34) Bacon. Or Judge Dredd. Possibly both.
    35) Make Mojitos. NOT! Molotov cocktails with the bottles that have your fingerprints on them.
    36) This answers both #33 and #19.
    37) A chain around her neck and a gold bikini.
    38) Rule 34 doesn’t even cover that…
    39) No. 5 minutes. 10 if I need a shower.
    40) I’m a 41 year old man. Any self-esteem issues I may have had were beat out of me years ago. And if we have sex, you’re catching. That might mean a mask and kneepads…
    41) I have a Bialys Irish Cream Stuffed Cow backpack. I keep my D&D in there.
    42) Depends on who/what we are shooting. Sniper teams work best in pairs.
    43) Yes.
    44) Type-A Passive Agnostic .
    45) No, but I know how to use The Google.
    46) No.
    47) Yes. But I reserve the right to tell you to go fuck yourself if it is about me.
    48) I have a therapist already.
    49) Yes. Yes. No.
    50) I blame #36.

  2. Congratulations, Jim! You are in the running to date me (*not gay*). And I hurt from falling over laughing. Well done, sir!

  3. 1) e.
    2) Yes. I call them “pitcher-stories,” though.
    3) Ho. (Rom-com! HO! Rom-com! Ho!)
    4) Anything that might result in the death of Judah Friedlander is fucking awesome.
    5) Gout.
    6) No, really. Gout. I howl in the night about not being able to eat bacon.
    7) Yes, but only by things I deem offensive.
    8) STRAIGHT-EDGE 4 LIFE! But I do have a good roofie supplier, so keep on a-drinkin’.
    9) Operant conditioning.
    10) No. Nor do I smell piquant, frightening or wistful. People can’t smell emotional states, Steve. Not normal people, at least.
    11) No. That’s less a joke and more a truth, though.
    12) Only the funny ones.
    13) Given that unicorns are SERIOUS FUCKING BUSINESS, no.
    14) I am down with the hippity-hop and the electronical that the kids listen to nowadays.
    15) I experience funny. I smell scents.
    16) “A,” “an” and “the.”
    17) Well, your mom laughed when I told her that joke, so I guess it counts. Well, it sounded sort of like laughing. Sort of like gagging. You know.
    18) SAM AXE!
    19) Yes.
    20) Yes, and I hope their mother is single.
    21) “YOU BROKE DA LAAAAAAAAAW!” “LAAAAAAAAAAAW?”
    22) Only if they have funny laughs. Skorzeny would snort and then sigh. Hilarious.
    23) Unicorns are serious business. Serious, serious business.
    24) Cure Disease, followed by cure serious wounds.
    25) Most things not involving vampires. Because, fuck those guys.
    26) Victory dance.
    27) I’d rather have my man drunkenly berate his dinner at an orgy. I like to change it up, dinner-wise.
    28) Smoking creates cured meat. Cured meat causes pain. Such pain!
    29)
    30) Dolphin, because dolphins are evil.
    31) You will once your side of the bed’s covered in ectoplasm, buddy! Oh, “spiritual.” Thought you meant “spiritualist.” My mistake.
    32) Blade, flat, handle (beat with, strangle with.) Your job is EASY.
    33) SUCH BEAUTIFUL PAIN.
    34) Selling that sweet ass on the corner to bring Daddy back his money. Aw, yeah. You know what Daddy needs.
    35) Recruit a pirate crew.
    36) If it doesn’t involve curing, I’m down.
    37) Inbreeding within hereditary murder-lineages.
    38) A pretty, pretty princess.
    39) I require regular routine maintenance, as per my service contract.
    40) I must be showered with rose petals every six hours. I assume that’ll be handled by Canuckistani health care.
    41) PVC utility chest, toolbox.
    42) Six ball, off the eight, corner pocket.
    43) You use the Canuckistani ‘u’ in “humor!” I can’t focus beyond that.
    44) The whip, the chain and the lightning. And a very pretty princess.
    45) X MARKS THE PEDWALK! No. Don’t know what it means.
    46) Oh, you won’t see anything except the inside of a barrel if you break up with me. Which you won’t. Because we’re a forever love. A FOREVER LOVE.
    47) Yes. I’ll just slap you and say “Now you’ve got a problem. You’re missing a tooth! That’s a problem! LOVE ME.”
    48) There are no problems. Just opportunities for excellence. Loud, loud excellence.
    49) If you’re pointing out how uncomfortable you feel with my all-consuming brilliance, then yes. Otherwise… maybe?
    50) GOUT. GOD. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO ANSWER YOU?

  4. 1)
    b. “Star Wars.” (and then laugh because hahahah yes it was)

    2) Yes. Collections are GNs to me, single issues are comics.

    3)Sounds likes a bad abbreviation for a gypsy porno

    4) ooooooo YES/MFY

    5) I really just don’t have the time to list all of it.

    6) So much.

    7) ahahahhaha NO. There’s very little that offends me

    8 ) I DO. I prefer shots and drinks that taste like candy. Or candy that tastes like drink.

    9) Write what I want on your forehead so you will see it when you look in the mirrour.

    10) I smell funny things all the time but I am personally not one of those things.

    11) Yeah, no, there isn’t much that embarrasses me.

    12) YES

    13) ESPECIALLY THEN.

    14) I like… some of it. But then I like music from almost every genre. Pretty much the older it is though, the more I like it.

    15) Nooooooo

    16) Cthulu and unicorn. Wait, no! No they aren’t. *shifty look*

    17) Well my mum is pretty funny tbh.

    18) Greatest OR most awesome? Don’t you mean AND?

    19) No, ask my kids. I don’t like them at all.

    20) Assassins are awesome, soccer moms are not.

    21) UNF. The helmet.

    22) Sadly, no. Only at them.

    23) If a man eating anything wants me to laugh, I’ll damned well laugh.

    24) Ummmm. I never played RM or WH. My life was exclusively D&D and RIFTS. Also, it’s too late for this question.

    25)Lich

    26) Raise an undead army. Or at least a few to do the dishes for me.

    27) I prefer to do my own cooking. I find amusement in listening to other people scream at their computers.

    28) I’ll let you know after I pop downstairs and have a fag.

    29) I would approve most heartily.

    30) Dolphin! Bats the toaster away with its tail.

    31) Hahaha NO. And NO.

    32) Considering I often sit and think about which particular knife is best for which particular type of stabbing mood I’m in, no. No I think it’s good to be prepared.

    33) Can’t talk, eating all the bacon. Mmmmmm need to go get more from the butcher tomorrow.

    34) Out with your mates lolol I would expect on the computer or XBox with your mates, maybe, and having a drink. Or not. Because that’s what I would be doing, so maybe I kicked you off and you went out for a drink.

    35) Duh, drink it. And then replace it with just as good or better, to show my appreciation that you provided for me.

    36) Depends on who you’re eating.

    37) A pink dress, crown, and the name of Peach.

    38) No. I have the dress and crown, but my name is not Peach.

    39) I am so incredibly low maintainence. Apart from my OCD. Which doesn’t include cleaning, so no worries there.

    40) Shit. We’ve hit a snag. Considering I’m asexual. (Not aromantic, just no sex.) As for image, I’m never happy with my hair.

    41) My kids are not altogether sane.

    42) I only call the shots when they are lined up on a bar. Apart from that, I like making decisions with people as long as they decide my way.

    43) I approve! Not that you care, but hey. Offbeat is better than boring.

    44) I wouldn’t.

    45) Wasn’t that one of the children of Cthulu or something like that? It’s been ages since I read that. Also, german record label.

    46) Ummmm, I would just unfriend you on FB if that were the case.

    47)I would value your input.

    48) I like to discuss the problem and solve it, but not over analyse or rehash it.

    49) Please do. And I’m probably one of the few people who do actually mean that.

    50) Oh god, so much.

  5. Finally, someone lacking a penis took the time to fill it out. WTF is wrong with you?? Hahahahaha! Thanks, you’re a sweetheart. 🙂

  6. Placental Mammal Says:

    I see you’re going through an emo phase. I understand (actually I don’t, I just like saying these typical American colloquialisms to make people feel better).

    Anywayyyyyyy, I’ll answer these very important questions that you have, for some reason, want people to answer in order to boost your own ego. I hope you’re happy:

    1) Let’s kick it off with some multiple choice bullshit. You’re sitting with me at a bar somewhere (let’s see those surprise-faces!) and I decide to crack a joke. I say something and end it with “…but you know what’s NOT funny, right?”

    So you respond with:

    a. “The Holocaust.”
    b. “Star Wars.”
    c. “This isn’t going to lead to you saying something about The Holocaust, is it, Steve?”
    d. “You.”
    e. (Say nothing and just try to hang in there based on your good looks.)

    f. Bacon.

    2) Do you enjoy reading comic books? Do you refer to them as graphic novels or some kind of trite shit like that?

    You mean something that isn’t online?

    3) When I say “rom-com”, you say…. (Hint: it better have something to do with ROM: Spaceknight.)

    Bacon.

    4) Would you say a movie like Feast makes for an excellent or fucking awesome first date experience?

    Well the title does seem to imply food is involved somewhere, and possibly bacon.

    5) What the fuck is wrong with you?

    I don’t have issues, I have subscriptions.

    6) No, really. There’s something wrong with you. Please elaborate.

    I had a rotten childhood, but who didn’t?

    7) Are you offended easily?

    Only by those who are against bacon.

    8 ) Do you drink booze? If so, how much? And do you live in an underground bunker with a lifetime supply of whiskey? (If you answer yes to that last bit, then please report to the nearest courthouse so we can get married immediately.)

    I can’t drink like I used to, but I still love watching people drink so I can mess with their minds and steal their money.

    9) It’s your birthday or Xmas coming up. How exactly are you going to guilt and subtlety manipulate me into picking up the perfect gift for you?

    Hmm, you don’t seem like the rich type…

    10) Do you smell funny?

    I take care of myself in continual hope I won’t end up smelling like dead ancestors.

    11) Would you be embarrassed by someone who uses “donkey show” as a punchline to jokes like “why did the chicken cross the road”?

    No, I would just stare or blink at you blankly while I sip a glass of wine, and nod politely.

    12) Can you laugh at Nazis?

    I can laugh at anything, depending on the company I’m around.

    13) What about man-eating unicorns dressed like Nazis?

    They should base a whole cartoon show around that one.

    14) Do you like current pop music? Are you really into it? (If you say yes, stop now and just leave me the fuck alone. I’ll probably break something precious in your soul anyway, so it’s best to not even try anymore. Okay? Thanks.)

    No, and I hate mostly everything. In fact I’m probably not into most of your kind of music either.

    15) Do you smell funny?

    Only after vomiting, are you happy now?

    16) What are your “trigger words”? I need to know so I can avoid them, or, more likely, so I can get drunk and mock you with them.

    “We’re out of bacon”

    17) Quick: Your mom. Did you laugh? You did? Please see above and go over “what the fuck is wrong with you?” part again. Is this a trick? Probably. I love Your Mom jokes. Or… do I?

    Blank stare, followed by hoping you got a raise despite the unlikelihood of being able to manipulate someone in to buying me anything.

    18) Is Bruce Campbell the greatest or most awesomest actor who has ever lived?

    The soup brand?

    19) Do you like kids?

    Of course I do, they’re delicious.

    20) How about kids with an Assassin Robot From The Future Soccer Mom for a mother?

    Awesome, we can start our cannibalistic human sacrifices to Ba’al real soon.

    21) Tell me in 100 words or less how you find Judge Dredd to be sexy.

    Bacon.

    22) Can you laugh with Nazis?

    If they’re wrapped in bacon.

    23) What about with man-eating unicorns dressed like Nazis?

    Yes. Then we’ll sacrifice them in horrific blood rites. I’ve been looking forward to starting my own cult.

    24) Briefly explain how Dungeons & Dragons could cure cancer. Bonus points will be heaped upon you if you can work Warhammer and Rolemaster in there somewhere.

    Fuck if I know, can we just kill something already?

    25) What’s your favourite undead related thing?

    I don’t know, can you make bacon out of any of them?

    26) You’ve just become a Necromancer. What’s the first thing you do?

    Well it would make starting an evil cult so much easier…

    27) Are you a “I like my man to cook me a yummy dinner” kinda gal, or are you more “I like my man to drunkenly berate his computer in an orgy of blood and violence”?

    Drunken orgies are for evil cults.

    28) What are your thoughts on smoking?

    A very important part of the process of how bacon is made.

    29) How would you feel if I said “I don’t give a fuck about how you feel about smoking”?

    Then buy your own damn bacon.

    30) Space Dolphin vs. Ninja Toaster! Who wins and why?

    Space Dolphins have more fat, and thus better suited for making bacon with.

    31) Do you consider yourself to be a spiritual person? And do you care that I don’t give a shit about that sort of thing?

    Dude, didn’t I already tell you about that blood cult I plan on starting?

    32) Do you like the idea of dating a guy who agonises over details like “just how many ways ARE there to kill someone with an axe?” as a part of his job?

    That’s child’s play. What’s really important is knowing where and how to hide the bodies.

    33) Bacon. Thoughts?

    My evil blood cult will revolve around the Bacon god Crispos, yes.

    34) So, we’ve been dating for a while and I’m out with my friends on a Friday night. What am I likely to be doing?

    Drinking.

    35) You’re watching my place while I’m out of town and you notice I have a treasure trove of rum. What do you do with it?

    Steal it and spike it drugs as part of my recruitment strategy.

    36) Is cannibalism REALLY all that bad?

    Didn’t I already say i like kids?

    37) What, in your mind, makes for a woman to be a “Princess”?

    Anyone more popular than I am.

    38) Are you a Princess?

    Clearly not.

    39) How high maintenance are you? Am I always going to have to make sure my apartment is in immaculate order? Are you going to be impossible to talk to about the things bothering you? Do you need an entire lunar cycle to get ready to go anywhere?

    I expect you to clean up the place each time each human sacrifice and canibal feast is over and done with, but other than that, nothing really thst important.

    40) Okay, let’s face facts. You probably have self-esteem or self-image issues. What are they? What do you do to deal with them? If wearing unnecessary clothing while we have sex is one of them, then you can just quit now. Wait. We can have sex, right?

    People wear clothing during sex?

    41) What kind of crazy baggage would you be bringing into a relationship with me?

    Anxiety and avoidance issues, but that’s what downers are for.

    42) Do you like to call the shots? Or do you like to have them called for you? Or, maybe you’re more of a “let’s decide together” kinda person?

    Uhmm, didn’t I already say that I’m the cult leader?

    43) By now, you have noticed that I can have a rather, um, offbeat sense of humour. What are your thoughts on this?

    Does that sense of humor help you get bacon?

    44) If I had to sum up me in only a few words, I would say I am a “cynical idealist, meta non-conformist dreamer”. How would you describe yourself in such a manner?

    Yes, but without the idealism.

    45) Do you know what “Zoth Ommog” means? This is a tricky one, as it has more than one answer.

    Interesting, those sound as nice words to use as part of our future blood sacrificial chants.

    46) If we date and subsequently break up (these things go hand in hand, so it’s expected) will I have to show you how to properly lock up your Facebook so I am unable to see your posts? Truly, this is important. Some gals seem to have this issue…

    Oh thank goodness, I was worried you might have problems with that. Of course all my posts on FB are f-locked.

    47) If I have a problem, can I tell you without you telling me to shut up about it?

    What? You have a problem with my plans of me propping up an iron-fisted dictatorship revolving around a blood cult of The Bacon God that sacrifices thousands of vegan dissidents each day? Well I’m afraid our relationship is just never going to happen Steve.

    48) If you have a problem, do you like to talk about it, or are you more into “I don’t want to talk about it” with just about everything?

    Nah, I just remove the beating hearts from living bodies.

    49) Can I point out (politely, of course) what’s bugging me about you? Can you take that sort of thing? Or would you throw something at me then run away sobbing?

    You’re just not cut out to be a good cult spokesperson and follower, are you?

    50) Holy shit. You read all those questions? And answered them? I ask again: What is wrong with you?

    You mean my previous answers don’t ring any of your alarm bells? At all?

    And I thought I lived in a dream world. 😛

  7. 1) Tempted to say C, but I bet the right answer is E.

    30) Space Dolphin win. Space Dolphins are tight with Lobo.

    50) Read, but didn’t answer. The answers to 1 and 30 just amused me, that’s all

  8. I took your survay and passed.
    Wanna make out now or while Stalone is blowing shit up in Judge Dredd?

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